Showing posts with label BDSM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BDSM. Show all posts
smiles
Sex
I admit, I had to post this one because her hair reminds me of Andromeda's hair from my earlier post. That is some amazing hair!
Also, though this blog is about sex as well as kink, bdsm, etc, it's pretty rare that I post pictures of penetrative sex, especially with a straight couple. It certainly used to squick me, as a gender-unhappy kinky person who is usually seen as lady-shaped, but I also didn't want this blog to be seen as porn. Yes, it's certainly porny and sexy and full of wank-fodder, but having vanilla-ish sex posted often or even at all just sat wrong with me. But to be uncomfortable by something consensual and lovely (like this photo) is kind of silly, so we might be getting more photos of penetrative, vaginal sex.
So, here, have some sex; a lovely female top using her handcuffed boy to get herself off.
PS, Real Dominant Women, I really like a lot of your photos, but your name makes me think of 'the ONE TWUE WAY' and makes me giggle/sad.
Enjoyment
Fanfiction also has a lot of 'no, don't tie me up, it's humiliating', but I can find ones I like more easily. And I like writing it too, so even better.
Toybox
Cute spanked butt and... really, that's such a lovely toybox, as well as a lovely toy inside. :)
I think we have that dildo. o.O
From Fuck yeah male submission.
Devalued male submission
“The BDSM blogosphere has been all aflutter lately about the devaluation of male submission. And it’s about fucking time. Because the kink scene treats male subs as if they are unwanted, uninvited guests, not recognizing the fact that they are real people with feelings of their own, that their dominant partners cherish them. Every time I see a Fetlife profile that reads “I’m not attracted to submissive men” (frequently, in my experience, on the profiles of female switches and occasionally other female dominants), my stomach clenches. They don’t seem to realize that such an attitude is linked to another problem in the scene: the tokenization of female dominants.
The public BDSM scene has a predilection towards the maledom femalesub dynamic. If you are female, you are presumed to be submissive unless stated otherwise, and if you are male, you are presumed to be dominant unless stated otherwise. (And if you are non-gender-normative, if you don’t fit in a nice little ticky-box, then the scene may accept you but not really know what to do with you.) As much as we would like to believe that the scene is a problem-free sexual utopia, it still suffers from many of the problems that mainstream society does. Straight male sexuality is prioritized, and thus straight male doms are the prevailing players in the scene. Straight male doms have no use for male subs, yet they still like female doms—they like us because we bring a certain energy to the scene and are fun to talk to and be around and because they hope that maybe we’ll co-top their girls with them and that they might be able to get into our pants.
So my sexuality is something that people in the scene can appreciate and sort of see the value in from afar. But the object of that sexuality is not accepted in the scene. While male subs are not seen as potential objects of desire, female doms are seen only as objects of desire. That’s how I feel sometimes as a femme dom in the public scene: they see me, but not my desires.
I feel like Geordi.
In Star Trek: the Next Generation, the character Geordi LaForge never got laid (this is where I out myself as a nerd, if the pseudonym and the lab coat and the giant boner for science weren’t already a dead giveaway). They had to have a character who was black and disabled, to show how progressive and inclusive they were. But they weren’t progressive enough to give him a sex life. Hollywood had this ridiculous idea about the primal, savage nature of black men, especially in relation to their sexuality. And so the closest poor Geordi ever gets to having a sexual relationship is with a holographic character, and even that is unconsummated–he gets blue-balled by his own fantasies, because oh no, if we show a black man in a sexual situation then the viewers will have to be reminded of the fact that he has a penis. We all know that there’s nothing scarier to mainstream 90′s American culture than a black man’s penis–the popularity of racist porn stemming from the eroticization of this fear belies it. (Not to mention the fact that Geordi falls right into the trope of “disabled characters don’t have a sexuality.”) Geordi and I are both welcomed in our respective communities, as long as we keep our sexual desires silent—closeted—and to ourselves.
In Star Trek: the Next Generation, the character Geordi LaForge never got laid (this is where I out myself as a nerd, if the pseudonym and the lab coat and the giant boner for science weren’t already a dead giveaway). They had to have a character who was black and disabled, to show how progressive and inclusive they were. But they weren’t progressive enough to give him a sex life. Hollywood had this ridiculous idea about the primal, savage nature of black men, especially in relation to their sexuality. And so the closest poor Geordi ever gets to having a sexual relationship is with a holographic character, and even that is unconsummated–he gets blue-balled by his own fantasies, because oh no, if we show a black man in a sexual situation then the viewers will have to be reminded of the fact that he has a penis. We all know that there’s nothing scarier to mainstream 90′s American culture than a black man’s penis–the popularity of racist porn stemming from the eroticization of this fear belies it. (Not to mention the fact that Geordi falls right into the trope of “disabled characters don’t have a sexuality.”) Geordi and I are both welcomed in our respective communities, as long as we keep our sexual desires silent—closeted—and to ourselves.
When I meet het male doms, I always try to make it abundantly clear to them from the beginning of our association that I am not a switch, I am not interested in playing, I am not interested in co-topping girls with them, I am not interested in anything beyond friendship with them.
And often, they continue to be friendly. And I like that because I am also friendly and I like to have friends, of all orientations. And I think to myself, “you know, we’re different, we get off on different things, but maybe he can appreciate me for who I am even though I’m not submissive and he knows we can’t have that type of interaction.”
“Maybe he can still respect me and the dynamic that I enjoy.” But then I hear language that refers to male submission as if it is something disgusting or shameful.
And that’s what bothers me.
A few months ago, maymay was referred to as “such a fucking weak-ass male submissive that he makes male submission look bad” by a dominant man who is well-known in the local community.
This writing has since been deleted. But the harmful words still ring in my ears. Maymay is not making male submissives look bad. The author is the one who is making male submissives look bad, because he is using the words “male submissive” as an insult. Would he have said “a fucking weak-ass gay”? I think not, at least, not in the San Francisco scene—such words have a clear underlying implication of homophobia. But somehow, using someone’s D/s status as a slur is acceptable.
While I don’t enjoy the maledom-femsub dynamic myself, I think it is a completely valid sexuality. I would never presume to tell someone otherwise. These het-male-doms who make up the mainstream of the subculture that we inhabit? I think they like me and respect me and think I’m hot, but I don’t know if they think my sexuality is valid.
And so I feel tokenized. It’s not fair to me, because where would I, a femme dom, be without my masculine sub? We are two sides of a coin. Today I am not beating my queer drum; today I am borrowing maymay’s drum: You cannot truly respect me without respecting my submissive as well. If you value me, you must value him.
There is a lot of male submissive-shaming in the public scene. You’ll hear it all the time. “Male subs are creepy,” “male subs spoil the atmosphere, so we don’t want to encourage them.” And while I have indeed encountered many male submissives who have acted in inappropriate ways, I have one question to ask: why do you suppose that male subs like maymay who do respect boundaries don’t feel welcome in the scene? It’s not because they are making male submission look bad, it’s because you are equating male submission with badness.
And by doing this, you are hurting me.
This is the reason I go to sleep alone every night. It’s not because there’s something wrong with me as a potential romantic/sexual partner. It’s because there’s no one for me to date. Because everyone’s been telling all the male submissives that they’re unwanted for so long that they won’t come out to play. So I’m sitting here in my kinky sandbox with my toys all by myself.
If you respect me, if you respect my identity as a female dominant, then recognize that when you devalue male submission, you are devaluing the objects of my desire, and by doing so, you. are. hurting. me. too.”
Again, by Professor Chaos.
Doms don't cry
Mainstream femdom plays into the notion that female dominants are invulnerable to emotion, with images of cold ice-queens who endlessly berate their submissives, referring to them as worthless or pathetic. I will never understand this. Why bother owning something worthless? If he’s so pathetic, why are you playing with him?
And then, of course, there’s withholding sex as a punishment. This, too, I do not understand. Why withhold sex? I wouldn’t want to withhold sex. I love sex. Not that I don’t enjoy chastity play, but I prefer to think of it as putting my favorite toy away when I’m not using it. Perhaps most femdoms are, in fact, ice-queens with no sex drive but who have an endless drive for inflicting cruelty and degradation. But I suspect not. I suspect more of them are like me.
I am a dominant woman. I am not invulnerable to desire. On the contrary, I am super-susceptible to desire. My desire controls me. My desire incites me to control others. The key is not about not having power–but about taking that power away. Not giving up control, but the loss of control caused by another. I don’t want someone who is always submissive, without any input from another–I want my dominance to be the key that unlocks the feeling of surrender inside of them. I don’t want someone who is worthless. I don’t want someone pathetic. I want someone valuable. I refuse to devalue submission, or the people that submit to me. It’s not that I’m better than they are or that my desires are worth more. It’s just that my desires are…more important.
I am a dominant woman. I’m not perfect. I don’t think of myself as perfect. I don’t think I am better than anyone else. I don’t have super high self-esteem. I do have healthy self-esteem, most of the time. But above all, I hold myself in high esteem.
I’ve seen the term “slaveheart”–the idea that a slave is someone who has a heart that longs to be owned by another. Slavehearts are often depicted as fragile and vulnerable. But there is no counterpart for dominants, as though our feelings don’t matter, as if our hearts can’t get broken. So I am proposing a corollary term for a dominant: a dominant spirit. A spirit that yearns to possess and overthrow. A spirit that is passionate and loving and fierce and tender.
As I walk this path, as I make this journey (although at times I loathe the trite comparison between BDSM exploration and a journey) I see the insecurities in my heart like cracks on the sidewalk. Thus far, I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want than I did a few years ago. For that, I am grateful. But sometimes it makes me feel hopeless because what I want seems so unattainable. The further I walk on this path, the more cracks I see in the pavement.
I am a dominant woman. I am not invulnerable to desire. I am not invulnerable to loneliness. Or heartbreak.
The Psychology of SM
I found a very interesting article about SM, by Charles Moser. I suggest reading the whole thing, though it's a giant wall of text, but these are the parts I found most interesting:
"There is no accepted definition of what constitutes S/M behavior and the spectrum of sexual interests of those individuals who adopt an S/M identity is quite broad. Colloquially, we can define S/M as an erotic interest in giving and/or receiving painful (either physically or psychologically) stimulation. It should be noted that the perception of pain is in the judgment of the observer; the recipient may or may not report the experience as painful."
I will make one note here, I, and I assume others, don't always necessarily see SM as erotic. Yes, sometimes it's incredibly arousing or wonderfully sexy, but sometimes it's just a physical and spiritual release. It is a different kind of pleasure than sex or foreplay.
"For the purpose of the present article, an S/M practitioner is an individual who actually takes part in the behavior and self-defines as being involved in S/M or a similar term.1 Additionally, for the purposes of the present article, S/M practitioners engage only in consentual acts among adults. While members of any group can engage in nonconsentual acts, it has been unfairly and incorrectly assumed that S/M practitioners must somehow be forced or coerced, or force or coerce their partners, into engaging in these activities."
"While there is some disagreement, there is little doubt that at least some S/M practitioners are able to sustain long term relationships. The role of S/M in these relationships varies in a number of ways. Some couples only engage in S/M during some sexual inter actions, some always have at least an element of S/M in all sexual interactions, some employ S/M role-plays throughout the relationship but not at all times, and some attempt to live out the S/M roles at all times. Some individuals see S/M as part of foreplay (a sex-style), others see it as part of a lifestyle, while still others fluctuate between these two states (Breslow et al., 1985, 1986)."
Breslow, N., Evans, L., & Langley, J. (1985). On the prevalence and roles of females in the sadomasochistic subculture: Report of an empirical study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 14, 303-317.
Breslow, N., Evans, L., & Langley, J. (1986). Comparisons among heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual male sadomasochists. Journal of Homosexual ity, 13{1), 83-107.
I'm glad that this is addressed. You will find just as much variation in SM relationships as you will in vanilla relationships.
"Prior to Krafft-Ebing (1886/1965), S/M was neither a sickness nor a sin (Bullough & Bullough, 1977). It seems that behaviors that we might consider to be S/M were commonly found in ancient marriage manuals (Kokkoka, 1150/1965; Nefzawi, 1400/1964; Vatsysayana, 450/1964). It was only in the late fifteenth century that the first unambiguous case report of S/M was reported, and then as a medical curiosity rather than a problem (cited by Ellis, 1936). Other case reports written in a similar vein followed, but S/M was still seen as a curiosity rather than pathology. While S/M behavior probably existed before the 15th century, historical accounts do not in clude enough information to ascertain whether the behavior was done consentually and/or for erotic purposes in order to make an unambiguous categorization."
Krafft-Ebing, R. von (1965). Psychopathia sexualis: A medico-forensic study (F. S. Klaf, trans.). New York: Bell Publishing Company, Inc. (Original work published 1886)
Bullough, V., & Bullough, B. (1977). Sin, sickness, and sanity. New York: Meridian Books.
Kokkoka (1965). The koka shastra (A. Comfort, Trans.). New York: Stein & Day. (Originally written 1150)
Nefzawi, S. (1964). The perfumed garden (R. Burton, trans.; A. H. Walton, ed.). New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons. (Originally written 1400 A.D.)
Vatsysayana (1964). Kama sutra. New York: Lancer Books. (Originally written 450 A.D.)
Ellis, H. (1936). Love and pain. In Studies in the psychology of sex (Vol. 1). New York: Random House. (Original work published, 1903)
I don't mind being a bit of a curiosity. A sexual psychopath, however? I'd decline.
"As S/M behavior is seen transhistorically (Ellis, 1936) and cross-culturally (Ford & Beach, 1951), we can assume it is part of the repertoire of innate human sexual behaviors. Behavior which appears to be analogous to S/M is also common among mammals. For example, Kinsey, Pomeroy, Martin, and Gebhard (1953) name 24 different mammalian species which bite during coitus. Addition ally, Gebhard (1976) remarks "From a phylogenetic viewpoint it is no surprise to find sadomasochism in human beings" (p. 163)."
Ellis, H. (1936). Love and pain. In Studies in the psychology of sex (Vol. 1). New York: Random House. (Original work published, 1903)
Ford, C. S., & Beach, F. A. (1951). Patterns of sexual behavior. Scranton, Pennsylvania: Harper & Brothers.
Kinsey, A. C, Pomeroy, W. B., Martin, C. E., & Gebhard, P. H. (1953). Sexual behavior in the human female.Philadelphia: W. B. Saunders Company.
Gebhard, P. (1976). Fetishism and sadomasochism. In M. Weinberg (ed.), Sex research. New York: Oxford University Press.
All in all, a very well thought-out and thoroughly researched article. I included the references, since I'm quite interested in looking up these books myself and I'm assuming there will be others interested too. I want to read all of these books he's referenced, as well as more by him.
Feminism
Art from Little Fetish Kitten.
I still have my own issues about bdsm and feminism. I do consider myself a feminist, even if I don't consider myself female. I believe that all genders should have equal rights; no matter the shape of their genitals, wether they can become pregnant or wether they can impregnate their partners and no matter what hormones their bodies produce.
I believe in equality for people in general. I also believe that a healthy Ds relationship is an equal partnership. However, my brain can't seem to reconcile that with the images and ideas I grew up with when I see certain pictures or encounter certain situations. Which, since I'm big on the bdsm and am often seeking out these pictures and situations, isn't exactly uncommon.
It seems to be engrained in me that women shouldn't submit to men, even willingly. Women are working hard to be seen as equals, why would any sane woman submit her will to a man?
I have bottomed for two men, before I started to think about my gender as being other than female and I find it hard to look back on myself bottoming to men fondly.
The first was time with someone who seriously abused my trust, my boy's trust and the trust his two female partners. He left me with a very nasty taste in my mouth concerning the men in the bdsm world. It was probably the worst night involving bdsm that I'd ever experienced. That night left scars on all of us and I'm ashamed that I didn't step up and do what was necessary to care for my friend and stop the scene.
The second was with the man I trust most, my mentor. We didn't play, but I acted as a stunt bottom for him in public, during Taboo. I let him teach someone how to spank, using me as a model. He didn't hit me hard and we were not playing. I wasn't in that headspace. I have a lot of padding and I enjoy some serious percussion play when I do bottom, so he was on a very low end of my pain scale. However, there were certain tops watching that I feel very iffy about and I really despise having them twist the image I have of myself as a butch, sadistic top into their image of me as a submissive woman.
So the first time was traumatic, the second was unfortunate due to the audience.
My thoughts seem to trend towards this: I see nothing wrong with being a submissive woman. I despise certain people's idea of what a submissive woman is.
I cannot reconcile these two parts to female submission. I have a lot of friends who are female bottoms. Wether they be kinksters, fetishists, submissives or masochists, they have strong personalities, they are amazing and wonderful people. They don't submit because they're slutty, brainless doormats. They submit because it's something they love, or because it gets them off in the best way, or because those fuzzy endorphins are the best thing ever. If it makes their partner happy, that's just icing on the kinky cake, but I don't think I know a single female bottom who bottoms because her partner is a top. All of the ones I know are either with a top because they found one to suit their needs or because they showed their partner how amazing kink could be.
And yet my brain can't put what I know of female submissive type people together with society's image of submissive women.
Oh brain, why can't you realize that society's brainwashing is awful and wrong and you should ignore it? You've dealt with your fat-phobic issues, your gender misconceptions and a lot of your bdsm ones... this one is next!
Inherently dominant, submissive or neutral
"There is no sex position or sex act which is inherently dominant, submissive, or neutral. None. The characterization of every single sex act depends on context, a context which comes from a person’s history and the relationship between them and their partner. This is where a number of feminists and BDSM enthusiasts have gone wrong, positioning some things (being the penetrative partner, receiving oral sex) as always dominant, and their complement as always submissive."
Snuggly BDSM love
Aw, look at the snuggliness.
I can never get enough of this; affection and trust between two people in a D/s relationship.
So many people expect these relationships to be unhealthy, full of fear of the dominant and anger or even disgust towards the submissive. I've seen some unhealthy kinky relationships, yes. But I've seen far more unhealthy vanilla relationships. The strong kinky couples (or trios, or groups) that I've met are stronger for their kink and for the trust and communication something like this requires. You can't just snap a leash on someone without talking to them about how they feel about it first, and you can't expect any relationship to work if you're not willing to share thoughts and feelings in both directions.
My take on the BDSM in Girls with Slingshots II
I am very happy with the conclusion of this chapter of GWS. She doesn't hit him once, she just puts him in the position and lets his imagination take him where it will (as well as yelling at him).
Anyhow, I'm happy and I'm glad I got to rant about random specific things.
I really don't pity Tucker. But I do pity Clarice! I know several dominant women who find it impossible to find a partner who's actually up to their standards, not just as a submissive or masochist, but as a human being. *lesigh*
Now, go check out Girls With Slingshots!
My take on the BDSM in Girls with Slingshots
Alright, let me preface this whole semi-rant of mine by saying that I really love the comic Girls With Slingshots. It deals with a lot of things that are relevant to me. Unemployment, coming out, round ladies being sexy and amazing rather than just round, cactuses, lesbian relationships and dildos. The art is great, the characters are surprising and the jokes are funny. I've been following it daily since I stumbled across it about a year ago. I don't expect my comments and thoughts to change the story or to influence the artist in any way, this is a rant for the sake of ranting.
Also, I am not a professional domme. I do not live their lives, I do not want to. I am into bdsm purely for my own enjoyment and happiness, as well as the enjoyment and happiness of my boy.
With that said, and kept in mind, the new story line, involving Clarice who is a librarian/pro domme and Tucker, who finds out about her secret interests, is making me cringe a bit.
"To answer a common question, no, I’ve never had hands-on (hah) experience with the BDSM lifestyle. But I’ve done an ass-ton of research at this point, entirely from those who live in the lifestyle, both subs and doms, including two awesome friends of mine who used to run a BDSM bed & breakfast. Yes, seriously.
So, to those of you in the lifestyle, I’m happy to hear your thoughts if I’m doing something completely wrong! I don’t want to blatantly misrepresent your culture. Otherwise, please let your imagination run wild, and remember that Clarice and the rest of the cast live in a fantasy world.
A fantasy world with a talking cactus and the ghost of a stillborn kitten."
I realize that this is a fantasy world and that perhaps bdsm folk in this world are also pro dommes and make money at what they enjoy... but as someone who lives in the real world of bdsm, I can rant.
My problem with what has been said here is that she's talking about those of us who live this lifestyle. '...entirely from those who live in the lifestyle...' '...to those of you in the lifestyle...' when I consider pro dommes to be outside of the lifestyle/community. For the most part, bdsm is something they do for work, which means they don't generally take their play outside of work. They don't play by the same rules, nor do they have the same expectations as most kinky folk. There are always exceptions, of course.
As someone who is putting on a show, as well as someone who's being blackmailed into this (read the comic to understand the background), I can see why Clarice is pissed off. It makes for a good show and she's actually feeling that way too. But he is so shiny and new that he squeaks. If this were the real world, I'd say she should be giving him the safeword, not waiting for him to ask. So far, he doesn't seem terribly consenting, and to me, bdsm is all about consent. That's really all that separates it from abuse.
It's always possible he's playing the victim, which a lot of bottoms do (that way they don't actually want it, you've forced them into it, therefore it's okay, since they feel guilty for wanting 'naughty' things), but it's difficult to tell and non-consensual play is never a good idea.
The one thing that has upset me the most about this is the anger that Clarice is showing here. Some top folk like to feign anger when they play, but Clarice seems to have genuine (if fictional) anger. Playing angry is a really good way for someone to get hurt. There is already the possible issue of top space turning angry or violent, adding anger or hurt to that is like adding dynamite to a fire.
Some people might say that in these panels, Tucker should speak up, should tell her to go slower or that he isn't interested in bondage, or whatever it is that he needs to say. Though I agree, I think he should speak up, I also think that she should stop and listen and actually have a consensual arrangement going on. She is just as much at fault, if not more so, for any harm that may occur.
Also, before a scene it is customary to negotiate. I realize that this is a comic and things get skipped, but this is one of the things that drives me crazy about people who are new to bdsm and coming out to the scene.
They expect that things will be the way they are in porn or cartoons or comics or fantasy novels. I've had strangers ask me to tie them up and beat them. I've had them ask me if they have to submit if they come to a party. I've had them ask me to swing with them, to have sex with them, to dominate them, to submit to them and if I'll let them borrow my wife. The answer to all these questions has been no. Which has surprised them, every time. The bdsm scene is full of real people in real relationships and generally, it is not okay to ask such an intimate question without getting to know if they're taken, if they're into that or how they identify. (PS- Asking a sadist if she'll submit to you is not a good idea.)
Back to negotiation. Before any sort of scene, the people involved usually negotiate, especially if one of them is new. Negotiation usually includes what is okay, what is not okay and what is really not okay. It's customary (and a really good idea) to ask about health problems. If you end up playing hard with someone with a bad back and they can't move tomorrow, shame on you. If you end up playing hard with someone with a bad heart and they end up dying on you, it's a bit worse than shame. One generally asks what has been tried before, what is going on for this scene, if they have another partner, what the limits are and what the safeword(s) are.
No one wants a trip to emergency and having to explain the rope marks or the welts. Our lifestyle, especially the SM part of it, is considered illegal (at least here in Canada) because it's difficult to tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual play.
Again, I think this comes from watching porn and finding your interest in bdsm through fantasy. Calling a dominant, be they male or female, single or otherwise, any sort of honorific before having even spoken to them of playing is highly insulting. The only dominants that I've ever met that would enjoy that are people that I find unsettling. To call someone 'Mistress' (just for example, there are hundreds of titles I could have chosen) is a highly personal thing. You should only call someone Mistress if you are in a relationship with that person and have already spoken about how to address them respectfully.
This goes the other way too. If someone is new on the scene and demands that random strangers call them 'Ma'am' or 'Sir' or whatever, you can tell them no. They can't involve you in their protocol without your consent and that's a serious faux-pas.
Generally, kinksters don't have a formal etiquette when they meet. We're a varied bunch. Some of us are just fetishists, some of us play on the weekends, some of us live it 24/7, some of us are into D/s, some of us are no holds barred SM players. The only rule that I would say exists (or should exist) for the 'lifestyle' or community, is the rule of respect. You do not involve people in play without consent, even if it's as simple as asking someone to call you 'sir' or calling someone 'sir' without asking.
I will update more as more comics are made.
Relatable
For some reason, our city is mostly made up of male tops and bottoms of both genders (at least the kinksters that come out to events and munches). I only see one other female top with any regularity. Though thankfully I see at least twice weekly, so if I have a question or opinion, I always have her to bounce it off.
I don't always identify as a female dominant. I don't even identify as female all the time, but I am dominant to my boy and I am female sometimes. And I find I don't relate terribly well to a lot of the male tops. Perhaps in a bigger city, I'd find someone more relatable. Maybe I'd relate better to gay male tops, or trans male tops. Cis male tops don't have the same experience and don't seem to be coming from the same place.
Maybe I'm just more of a sadist, haha.
Photo from My Darker Sides.
trash - abuse
For a lot of top folk, the idea that bottoms are just to be thrown out after seems to be normal. It's the idea that you don't need a relationship, that you can just pick up anyone new to bdsm, offer to be their 'mentor' and then use and abuse them. I'm quite sick of that.
I feel like I need to warn those who are new to bdsm that older and 'more experienced' people may try to take advantage of their eagerness to learn and have a partner. At the same time, I don't want to scare away those people who are new. I want them to realize that a lot of us are normal people who can be trusted and will help them to learn without expecting sexual favors, etc, in return.
And really, how do you approach someone who's known to be a predator of those new and shiny members of the bdsm groups and tell them to fuck off, we know what they're up to? We're supposed to be a welcoming group and our standards of mentorship and safety can't apply to everyone. Still, I'm sick of seeing new people disappear after the predators have scared them off, or seeing them get hurt after trying a relationship with a predator.
clamped, gagged and waiting
Pencil art from BDSM romance.
holding hands in cuffs
How BDSM Saved My Life
So, because I can't sleep and I've been meaning to write this for a while...here it goes.
I'm not going to get into my X Men-esque origins, I'll just start with November of 2005. D had just broken up with me because I was fucked up, which fucked me up more, so I was, in a nutshell, fucked up. We'd done quite a bit of D/s, a little bit of SM, and I'd learned just how much I needed it. And now didn't have it.
I wandered aimlessly for a year or whatever (I could look it up, but I don't actually care all that much) until my desperation finally overcame my apathy and I joined a livejournal BDSM group, where I (contrary to the rules, gasp!) posted a personal looking for a master. I was, of course, instantly snapped up. By a person I assume was black and American....he talked about me being the first white girl he would sleep with, anyway. Basically, he just wanted pictures of me, and to tell me to do things like go commando. Which was ok, in that it was better than nothing, but...not really what I wanted, even then...which is pretty amazing, actually. Anyway. So, I said, you know, this just isn't working for me....and he was all "It's like breaking up with a girlfriend!" ...dude, you've been my online master for like a week. I'm sure you'll be ok.
So then I puttered around for some more time that I honestly don't really remember. And then I went to a party and met Illixim and fell honest-to-god, head-over-heels, love-at-first-sight in love.
Now we get to the life saving part. When I say I don't really remember, I mean it. If I didn't have my (rather sparse) livejournal entries from the time, I'd pretty much have nothing. I was so fucked up that my memories are almost non-existent. So we moved out, and things got better. I mean, we were poor. Very, very poor. But we had each other. And lots to explore. You might say, oh, that's not really BDSM, that's just love. Which was a big part of it. But by now I had the taste and there was no going back, and this love of my life filled my gaping, oozing BDSM hole perfectly.
So, we moved on together, and eventually we thought, hey, why not see if there are other people worth talking to out there, some sort of community?
So we looked up an area munch, and we went (almost chickening out when we got there), and the people weren't big scary crazies. That was May 2009. Then it was summer, and I had no life, so we didn't go back until September. The people who had been running the munch were pretty fed up, and were looking for someone to take over. We were like...so...what would we have to do? Tell a restaurant we're coming on the first Thursday of the month? We can do that. So we hosted the October--our 3rd--munch.
We started getting to know some of the people extracurricularly. Specifically because I, at said 3rd munch, blurted that we would be interested in playing with K. So we went out for coffee with him, and saved our lives god knows how many times by doing so. After discussion, he ended up becoming our mentor, which seems to translate as "someone who saves your ass repeatedly, in many, many ways".
We also got to know R and A, which turned into a massive cluster fuck that I won't get into here, but also got me a horse (another M.C.F.T.I.W.G.I.H) which has been my life goal since I was like five, and has I'm sure saved my life on several occasions.
Huzzah and hats off to you, BDSM. May you continue to open doors and change lives!
BDSM 101
I will be doing workshops on BDSM 101 and 102, possibly rope bondage workshops as well and others as soon as I can think of any. I'm quite excited. You may be seeing bits of my workshops posted here.
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