Victim blaming and responsibility

Please read through this. Though I recognize that victim-blaming happens, I find that this also happens a great deal in bdsm circles.


"Once upon a time (not so long ago), when I wasn't yet Piper and was very new and verrrry naive about the scene, I fucked up - biiiig time. After only going to a few public play parties, I decided I was ready to go to a private one, staying with people I barely knew, and not telling anyone the truth about where I was going. I didn't yet know my limits, thought I was the biggest baddest bottom to ever hit the scene, and threw myself into situation after situation I wasn't yet prepared for. I pushed myself way past my limits, didn't safe word when I should have, and did things I was later uncomfortable with, and too upset to voice publicly until now.

I was ill-informed, I was unsafe and I messed up.

When the top I was staying with learned of some of this, he sat me right down and explained how unsafe being mute about my limits and feelings was, and how dangerous I had been to myself. He forced me to accept my limits, and wouldn't play with me until I was comfortable voicing them. He saved me from countless potential future violations and negative interactions.

No one has ever held this against me, called me a predator, or accused me of making the scene unsafe.

However, had I been on the other end of this, people might do so.

I have seen numerous times in this community, a top/dom(me) been held to higher standards of responsibility than a bottom. This is incredibly unsafe and unfair. Not only does this often lead to tops being quickly accused of violating someone's limits, being a predator, or even a rapist before all the facts are out on the table, but it also wildly skews the balance of power and responsibility in the scene - if the tops are given more responsibility, they are likewise given more power.

If I was writing this saying I was new in the scene, I went to a party I wasn't ready for, and I did some things I was ashamed of/uncomfortable with/upset about later, I know there would be people on this site that identify with me. And I know if I said, I know it wasn't all my fault, that it was partially the fault of the people who topped me for not checking in, that people would identify with that, too. What I'm not trying to do here is put my experience on anyone else or theirs, but simply express my frustration.

It wouldn’t have been fair of me to expect these tops to be mind readers. I never gave any inclination of my limits or that I felt pushed too far. They didn’t push me too far – I did. I violated myself, and did so through others, which breaches their consent and their limits, and to those people, I’m truly sorry.

I will never, ever blame someone for something I screwed up.

What I am not trying to do here is put my story and experience on others’. What I am trying to do is voice my frustration about bottoms being absolved of a lot of responsibility and guilt. I don’t think tops can be the only dangerous people in the scene, and yet they receive the harshest criticism and attacks.

I understand, that like me, a lot of bottoms may not fully realize how uncomfortable or not-okay they were with a situation until after the scene has died down. That doesn’t make any violation they felt okay. What it does do is give the bottom a responsibility to talk to the top after the fact. A scene is not a top doing something to a bottom – it is a relationship between two or more people, for however long, and everyone involved in that relationship should have the same amount of power, responsibility, and right to know what happened. How can you blame someone for fucking up if they never knew? How can you publicly chastise someone for being monstrous or a predator if you never discussed that with them?

I am not, and never will be, victim blaming. If a friend came to me saying they’d been hurt, I would immediately be on their side. But I would ask them, did they say something? Did they fully and clearly express their limits beforehand? Did the other people involved know they felt violated? If not, they’ve given up their responsibility in the scene to respect their partner’s/s’ limits and consent.

If you left a scene with everyone feeling good, seemingly happy, and then months later was publicly called out by that person for violating and abusing them, wouldn’t you feel jarred, that your trust in that person to communicate with you had been broken?

I know everyone has their own views, stories, experiences and processes, but I hope that the community begins giving an equal amount of respect and responsibility to bottoms, to not automatically assume that because someone feels badly after a scene that it must have been the top’s fault. Every time we relieve the bottom of all responsibility for their own safety and for their relationship within the scene, we’re not only perpetuating domism, but encouraging a dangerous mindset and process, that I, for one, feel sick about.

So, please don’t throw your story and your experience on other’s/s’. Please don’t absolve bottoms of their responsibilities, and likewise, their respect. Please don’t victim blame, but please also don’t be quick to yell ‘predator.’ And please give everyone the same amount of respect and responsibility you hold yourself."

-tied_piper

Alcohol

She's offering her top a glass of something, or perhaps is taking something he's offering. I'm not entirely sure, but I love the feel of ritual and respect in this photo. She's absolutely gorgeous, pierced, tattooed, nude and collared (also she has the same hair cut as my boy, so added bonus!) and the top, who's gender I'm actually unsure of, is dressed the part of a gentleman. Wonderful. I wonder if this is at a play party, or if this is in their home?

Hm, alcohol and play. Never a really good idea, but I have to admit, it's a not-particularly-good-idea that I've tried before. I've never played drunk, but I have had a glass of wine or a coffee and brandy before playing. As a community 'educator-type person' I always tell people never to drink and play, but as a person who has had some alcohol before playing, well, I always feel a bit like a hypocrite.

Photo from Jim Duvall.

Dangerous ropes

From Captivity Culture.

This would be a really cool shot... except for the fact that the model's hands are turning purple!

I do appreciate a lot of bondage photos and bondage art, however, I can't help but think critically about a lot of them. Even a lot of the ones that I post, I realize that they would not be possible for it to work in a longer scene, or with many people. For instance, my boy has back problems and certain bondage is impossible for longer than a few minutes. It's a pity, but that's how reality is.

Still, I've seen plenty of photos of people turning red and purple. I've even seen it in real life. Ouch. Ah well, there will always be unsafe things done in bdsm modeling!

Anyway, I'm going to repost something from one of my earliest posts:

Circulation

Your bottom should be able to feel all parts of their body at all times. If they’re turning colors, let them out. This isn’t as serious as the others, but if it lasts too long it can become a problem. You can check their circulation with a fingernail check.

Simply press on a fingernail. It will turn white if you put some pressure on it, but it should return to normal quickly enough. Try it on yourself. If the fingernail stays white, something either needs to be loosened or untied.

My take on the BDSM in Girls with Slingshots II

I am very happy with the conclusion of this chapter of GWS. She doesn't hit him once, she just puts him in the position and lets his imagination take him where it will (as well as yelling at him). 

 He safewords...

 And she does some decent aftercare, even though they didn't 'play' in a way that most people would consider playing. She sits him down, gives him a blanket and some comfort... it's awesome. Yay for aftercare being shown in art as well as in a comic! Hats off to Danielle Corsetto!

One little quirk here, Clarice is looking for someone who enjoys being dominated as well as a masochist. Though I don't generally label people, she's a fictional character so she can't take offense, so I'll go for it. I'd say that Clarice is more of a sadist than a dominant. Even her domination in what we do see of her scenes is very sadistic and bent on humiliation and pain rather than simple control.

Anyhow, I'm happy and I'm glad I got to rant about random specific things.

I really don't pity Tucker. But I do pity Clarice! I know several dominant women who find it impossible to find a partner who's actually up to their standards, not just as a submissive or masochist, but as a human being. *lesigh*

Now, go check out Girls With Slingshots!

Fire suspension

Another fire play gem. Terrifying! I'm not sure how this works... or why they set the ropes on fire (besides the fact that it looks amazing). Gorgeous photo though! Photo from FrenchChris.

Fire play and accidents

A stunning picture of fire play from Pretty Kinky Things. However, this beautiful work of art comes with a warning.

This is what can happen when fire play goes wrong. Luckily for her, she survived and now she talks about safety in bdsm.

"The short story, I was bottoming in a fire scene with the man who was previously my Master. We've done scenes with fire cupping before but I had no idea he was doing it wrong. Rather than swab the cup with rubbing alcohol, he poured it in and lit it on fire. Because there was too much fuel, the cup wouldn't create suction on my back and it spilled. I was in subspace due to a previous scene and felt the alcohol pool under my breasts but I didn't think to say anything. Even though he wiped off my back with a towel, there was still too much fuel present and the unthinkable happened when the open flame ignited all the alcohol on my back and my side and my breasts. I'll never forget that night in the dungeon. He helped me heal and we both spoke at bdsm events when safety was the topic. Today I am a top and I have also become involved with The Phoenix Society, which is for burn survivors."

bent and tied

I like the bondage here, even though neck bondage is incredibly unsafe. It's still sexy.

Munches

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Extreme piercing/anal penetration

Why is it that I find this picture incredibly sexy? Part of me feels guilty for enjoying this picture of some poor girl's accident. But really... if this were art, rather than reality...

Unf.

Straight shaving

Mmm, straight shave.

Transformation of Pain

So, in BDSM circles, people often ask what the difference is between cutting (a person using a sharp implement on themselves) and being cut.

On the surface, they seem identical, and they have identical physical results--the skin is broken, blood flows.

However, the motivations could not be more different. In my experience, cutting is all about release: when the pain inside becomes so great that NOTHING else is possible. At that point, it isn't a choice, it's a requirement. The trick is not getting to that point. It isn't about causing pain, or the blood, or anything. It's almost like the idea of humors--that the body has a buildup of something that has to be released for healing.

Being cut is very different. It's an understanding between two people who are committed to one another (at least for the duration of the scene), and CANNOT be frantic or desperate. The person doing the cutting must be in control, and the person being cut must be aware enough to monitor how much damage is being done to them, and how much more they can take. It's the difference between a ballet and headbanging in your bedroom. Being cut is also a release, but a different one.

Subspace

An old post from my Livejournal, discussing subspace - not written by me, but informative

Subspace has another meaning which is considerably more difficult to define, especially for those who have never been there. The best way I know how to describe it is that it is like a spiritually transcendent state of complete and overwhelming bliss, the aftereffects of which can last for hours and even days. I have heard it referred to as "a spiritual high." While this is happening, the submissive/bottom is often said to be flying. It is similar to, but exponentially more intense and powerful than, what is often called "runner’s high."


There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitize the bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper , more and more receptive to additional sensation.

This word we use to describe the psychological (mental) and phsysical state
the submissive can - but does not (always) have to - reach as a result of
BDSM interaction. On the Internet especially you will a lot of stories and
articles about "subspace". Most of these unfortunately got it deadwrong.
This leads to a lot of confusion. For example "subspace" and orgasm are
often mixed up.

One thing we do know: having an orgasm while in "subspace" is biologically
next to impossible! yeah...after the first whipping, I just really wasn't 'aroused' in the usual sense...but I felt really bad about that, so I tried, but I kept getting distracted:

Now is where we can see the fundamental differences between "subspace" and
other BDSM-experiences (driven by other motives). If and when the body
decides not to go for the orgasm, but instead to go for "subspace" we are
getting to the "deer in the headlights". And also the point where the dam
breaks.

If endorphins production continues - remember, we still do not know exactly
why - trance and light forms of hallucination occur. THAT is "subspace"!

Someone "in subspace" is easy to recognise from the outside. They are no
longer able to drive a car, or even a bike. They seem silent, absentminded,
slow responding, uninterested. In other words "not really here". That again
is not the same as the warm, glowy, dreamy feeling after an orgasm. Somebody
"in subspace" is "not on this planet", so to speak.

"Subspace" is dangerous in some ways. People "in subspace" have very
different levels of perception and awareness. They will see a traffic light
as interesting colors that changes all the time. They do NOT see it as a
warning signal. To them, a house is a fascinating stack of bricks with
intriguing patterns - NOT something people actually live in. If you would
slit the throat of someone "in subspace" they'd probably tell you they'd
consider that an interesting and fascinating experience. They do NOT
recognise the life threatening situation. Someone "in subspace" is
INTOXICATED! Intoxicated as in: under influence of drugs.


"Subspace" is a form of trance. Trance in its essence is a state of being,
different from your "normal" state of being. During trance your mind
excludes most of its input and concentrates on just one or only very few
impulses, completely disregarding all others. There are many ways in which a
trance can be induced. Prolongued dancing for example, or hunger, prolonged
physical activity. Hypothermia, recreational drugs, high fever, lack of
nutrition, dehydration AND BDSM-activity all can induce trance. Just like
repeated physical activity

"Subspace" can last for anything from several hours to several days. For the
duration of "subspace" reflexes slow down severely (this is the
result of the slightly intoxicating effects of enkephalins on the cortex)
and much of normal, everyday logic no longer works. Someone in
subspace cannot make responsible, consensual decisions.

As said, subspace is easy to spot from the outside. Pupils widen, responses
slow down, appear illogical or simply do not occur. Food and
sustenance is no longer important, people hear you, but do not understand
you, they cannot find the right words and some submissives
even stop breathing temporarily. Someone "in subspace" - as far as physical
behavior and signals are concerned - is very similar to
someone, under the influence of recreational drugs. The trance itself is
important to them, feeds them and leads them. Nothing else matters and
that - for example - includes sexual arousal. Colours, sounds, scents are
individual, seemingly incoherent experiences. if you have never been
here, you haven't been "in subpace" (yet). And that's fine. it is just that
"subspace" is very different from everything else.

Aftercare

Art by Raphaella.

Aftercare

Affectionate care and attention following any type of traumatic or mentally challenging event. D/s relationships are engaged with a passion and intensity that are often so strong that they can strip away at the barriers and defenses that we normally use to protect ourselves from exactly those extremes. To 'feel' that intensity means that we are not 'as safe'. To some extent we have stepped across our own thresholds of security and exposed some or all parts of our inner selves to the scrutiny and possible damage of others.

Scening can or may be seen as a compromise between what the submissive is seeking or desiring and how close to achieving those desires the dominant's own fears will allow them to go. This is a stretching in both directions. Both the dominant and the submissive often venture into areas they have never gone before. These areas can test their inner strength and resolve, their will and compassion. To retain personal integrity, or a belief in ourselves, we have to stay within the codes that we live by and believe in. In learning about ourselves we often test these codes to see if they are indeed our codes or codes we have simply adopted by rote at some point along the way.


The road to emerging as a dominant or submissive is filled with these kinds of moral and ethical choices and the contradictions and apparent paradoxes that they present. Reconciling these contradictions and forming true choices of who we are and what lines are inviolate within the self is a process that takes years and perhaps the entirety of our lives to discover fully.


When we expose ourselves to another human being, there is an expressed obligation by both people to refrain from injury or damage, offer solace, nurturing and care until that sense of exposure recedes. We call this period of time 'Aftercare'. Most often we associate this term with the time frame immediately following a scene. However, this term is equally applicable at many other points and times and many times is not associated with BDSM at all. Essentially it is an understood promise that should exist prior to anyone agreeing to engage in any type of relationship. Often it is overlooked or ignored as an 'incidental'. The concentration or focus of many people appears to be on the action events such as any and all forms of BDSM or sexual interaction that may and in many cases will occur as part of the relationship. Minimizing the importance of aftercare is a mistake. Aftercare is a period of necessary recovery. This is a fundamental recovery of the self into a form competent and 'safe' to independently interact with other people.


Some aspects of BDSM trigger responses much like intoxication. The ability of the brain to rationalize or make important or serious decisions may be seriously impaired for a substantial period of time after an event or scene. Scening can and sometimes does summon up long hidden memories, feelings, emotions and traumas that the individual has kept safe behind the barrier wall or mental defense system that during a scene may suddenly no longer exist. We maintain these walls through diverting a portion of our mental energy to them at all times. In periods of low stress this constant trickle of energy is negligible. In periods of high mental activity, the brain often diverts energy towards activities which take precedence. Managing a BDSM scene will often become an activity of such precedencial choice. When this occurs the brain is no longer sustaining the wall and it may simply vanish, exposing what is behind it.


We maintain personal barriers and walls of defense to protect ourselves from things we know but perhaps have serious trouble dealing with. An example of this would be an automobile accident. Some portion of the brain does 'know' and fully experienced all that occurred during the accident or 'event'. The extremes of the experience may be so great that a self protective determining factor inside the brain decides that it is 'unhealthy' for the cognizant areas of the brain to experience this event through memory loops over and over again. At that point this determining factor selectively places this event in a 'safe area' or behind one of the brains natural mental barriers or walls.


Should one of these 'events' become exposed then the individual may re-experience the event. It is vital to remember that these hidden events were considered to be potentially damaging when the real event occurred so much so that the brain took active steps to protect the individual from them. Supporting and assuring the person who has re-experienced one of these events that they are 'safe' is profoundly important. The new 'information' may be of a nature that they do have great difficulty coping with it and in some cases they may need good professional assistance from a qualified therapist.


Normal aftercare occurring without such an exposure is often the simple nurturing of one human to another. The support and protection of and from revealed intimacies and aiding and assisting in rebuilding the former protective walls, barriers or defenses. These protective mental measures appear to rebuild naturally as a simple part of how the brain functions and manages over a period of time. That time frame will vary with the individual and with the intensity of the experience itself. Aftercare in its most simple form is just being there with your partner for a sufficient time period that they feel safe and no longer feel the need to cling to you. It is equally important to recognize that aftercare is for both the Dominant and the submissive. If either person leaves too soon then their partner may feel abandonment or loss far exceeding the apparent parameters of the interaction.


It is also important to recognize that aftercare may be a serious factor when a relationship ends and especially when that ending is through the choice of one person and not the other. To some extent it remains the obligation of the person who makes that choice to extend aftercare support in a form agreeable to the person who has not made that choice until they have reached a point where they feel emotionally less devastated or more able to cope with the changed aspects of their life. In these days of acrimonious breakups it is common to act without dignity or respect for yourself and for the person whom you have engaged in a serious relationship with. This type of attack damages everyone involved and is seldom decent but most often reflects cowardly and selfish actions.

-F.R.R. Mallory - Steel Door

Exposed

Some beautiful curves on that boy. Feeling safe enough to expose yourself like that to a lover (let alone a photographer) is very sexy.

I've found lots of wonderful essays at Within Reality, lots of things that many of us have noticed and ranted about quietly. I will post one of these essays (maybe more in the future) but I highly recommend you read through more than what I post.

More specifically, I recommend you read Online vs Real life D/s, Respect and Protocol and Collars in BDSM.

This is the best explanation and argument of RACK vs SSC that I have ever read.

Rack vs. SSC

RACK = Risk Aware Consensual Kink
SSC = Safe Sane Consensual


SSC has been the BDSM slogan for many years. It is the catch phrase that a lot of people use in the community. RACK has surfaced in the last several years. I would like you to consider the intent or spirit in the differences in the terms SSC and RACK


Here is how Webster’s defines….Safe, Sane, and Consensual. 


Safe
1 : free from harm or risk : UNHURT 


Sane
1 : proceeding from a sound mind : RATIONAL
2 : mentally sound; especially : able to anticipate and appraise the effect of one's actions 
3 : healthy in body 


Consensual
1 a : existing or made by mutual consent without an act of writing (a consensual contract)
b : involving or based on mutual consent (consensual acts) 


===================================


Risk
1 : possibility of loss or injury : PERIL 
2 : someone or something that creates or suggests a hazard 


Aware
1 : archaic : WATCHFUL, WARY 
2 : having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge - aware·ness noun


Consensual
1 a : existing or made by mutual consent without an act of writing (a consensual contract)
b : involving or based on mutual consent (consensual acts)


Kink
1 : a short tight twist or curl caused by a doubling or winding of something upon itself 
2 a : a mental or physical peculiarity : ECCENTRICITY, QUIRK b : WHIM 
3 : a clever unusual way of doing something 
4 : a cramp in some part of the body 
5 : an imperfection likely to cause difficulties in the operation of something 


SSC… safe sane consensual...when you say it out loud it seems pretty clear. So you are either safe or not, sane or not, consensual or not, right? But how does each of us define and set the standard for SSC is unclear. 


RACK…the intent of RACK is education and awareness. You should try to know as much as you can about what you are doing...be aware of the risk. Do you consent or have cosent - and also know the different forms it takes. If you are aware of your risk and you consent to it - go forward. That is the "spirit" of RACK. There is no, "this is safe and this is not." There is only safer and less safe.


The difference between the two terms is even more clear when the spirit of them is applied in the public scene.


When watching a scene that may involve some heavy risk you might hear the person next to you whisper to their partner "they shouldn't do that...its unsafe…that is a dangerous Dominant" - that is the spirit of SSC.


If you hear whispered "I wonder if he knows the risk involved in doing that....I wonder if he does "this" it could be made safer....I think I will tell him about it later after his scene" - that is the "spirit" of RACK. 


Just as we might look at a shade of blue and someone calls it midnight blue and I might call it navy blue. We all see things differently. We all react to things differently - so how can I say that something is unsafe for someone when we are different and handle/deal with life differently. 


Another example: blood play may be a hard limit for someone and they may feel that it is NOT safe or sane plus they would never consent to it. Someone else may enjoy blood play and feel that it is safe and sane, and they frequently consent to it. With SSC, one of those people has to be right and the other person has to be wrong. It can't be both ways.


The spirit of SSC has become one of you either are or you are not safe, sane and consensual. And that is completely relative. The intent of RACK is not what others think you should or shouldn't risk, but that of increasing awareness and making informed decisions on what you choose to risk. 


© within Reality: danae 2003 - all rights reserved 

Tranarchism

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