Fuzzy handcuffs

Look, something pretty!

From Frog.

An object of desire

From Degustibuss.

This image, this view of a woman from behind, with a man's hands around her torso from below... I know this is supposed to be the view of a dominant woman with her submissive worshipping her, with her full of power and control, but... honestly all I can see her as is an object of desire. Though that might be a form of dominance, using his desire to control him, it's not a kind of dominance that I enjoy. I mean, what happens when you age or gain weight or lose weight or anything changes? Do you lose your power over him if your power only ever stemmed from his physical desire for you?

So that form of dominance does not fit well with me, not only for that reason, but also because then dominant women are forced into society's idea of what a woman should look like and dress when being dominant. Which is this woman in the photo we're looking at. She's wearing gloves and fishnet and a corset. She's fit and beautiful. That's all you need to be a dominant.

Now, back to what I see in this photo, because I really do enjoy it and find it gorgeous.

I really enjoy objectification. I enjoy it as an artist, seeing a beautiful human-art creation, and I enjoy it as a dominant, watching someone obey their top and remain a still and amazing piece of art or furniture.  So I really do enjoy this photo, just from the opposite side. I'm viewing this in a way that suggests that she is submitting to him. She is a beautiful human statue and he is enjoying being able to play with the artwork that she has become. Those hands are in control. She's just a lovely, submissive doll.

Yes, I realize that a lot of dominants enjoy dressing up and that fit and societally-deemed beautiful people are dominant as well, but I find that they are a much smaller category than the sexy fat people I know who like to play while wearing jeans or sweatpants.

Please enjoy the photo, whichever side you prefer.

Service

Service.

I love service.

I am a sadist. During sex, I switch. I enjoy bottoming for that as well as for the occasional flogging or what-have-you, usually a thuddy implement. I'm primarily a top. I'm also a dominant.

I used to find dominance to be absolutely exhausting.

To stay in the frame of mind where I am the Master, I must be in control, I must be strict and cruel and creative and completely in charge, as well as kind and merciful and loving is hard for me. I prefer to be a creative sadist. I'm very hands on and when it comes to more emotional or mental scenes, I tend to get tired pretty quickly and revert to my sadistic self, since I'm a more physical person.

Which I'm sure is a bit frustrating for my boy, who is not only a wonderfully tough maso (our pet name for masochists) but also very submissive. He needs submission to be able to get himself together somedays. Just like we both need a good kicking-the-shit-out-of-him scene when we haven't played for awhile. Most kinksters will agree it's a major stress-relief.

So, while I find dominance to be exhausting, especially when I was first stepping into the role (back when I had no idea what a sadist even was) I find the idea of service to be totally liberating. I can focus on my needs and without putting much creative thought into it, this fulfills the needs of my submissive. I can ask for food, drink, massage, attention. Even me saying 'pet meeee!' is demanding a bit of service, albeit in the whiniest voice possible.

I've asked for essays, for writing, for art, for pedicures. I've asked for much more creative things, too, but I find the little things are easiest to do and they add into bigger things.

The big D/s scenes are more fun this way, though we haven't done one in awhile. I find it's easier if I break it down into little things. Boot worship, maybe throw in some sadism there, add a bit of body worship, orgasm control, bondage...

I admit, I used to panic when I stepped into my D/s role. My brain would immediately rush from idea to idea and the scene would turn into a jumble. I'd threaten him with certain things and never follow through. I'd forget what I was doing and confuse him completely when I asked for several things at once. Note to self (and other D-types who have this problem); be clear when you're instructing someone. They can't read your mind and they really want to make you happy.

It's taken some time, but now that we're here, I find that I really enjoy having a butler as much as I enjoy having a maso. I love having him 'run the household'. Though a lot of people on the outside of our relationship have commented on how T seems to run everything and be in charge, the duty of a butler is to keep everything running and to make sure their master doesn't have to.

And really, I'd be awful at taking care of a wine cellar (not that we have one).

Not everyone who is submissive is good at service, or wants to be. It takes dedication, love, a stubborn perfectionism and eye for detail. I only wish I could be more the Master my boy deserves. <3

Sex

Another eye-catcher from Real Dominant Women.

I admit, I had to post this one because her hair reminds me of Andromeda's hair from my earlier post. That is some amazing hair!

Also, though this blog is about sex as well as kink, bdsm, etc, it's pretty rare that I post pictures of penetrative sex, especially with a straight couple. It certainly used to squick me, as a gender-unhappy kinky person who is usually seen as lady-shaped, but I also didn't want this blog to be seen as porn. Yes, it's certainly porny and sexy and full of wank-fodder, but having vanilla-ish sex posted often or even at all just sat wrong with me. But to be uncomfortable by something consensual and lovely (like this photo) is kind of silly, so we might be getting more photos of penetrative, vaginal sex.

So, here, have some sex; a lovely female top using her handcuffed boy to get herself off.

PS, Real Dominant Women, I really like a lot of your photos, but your name makes me think of 'the ONE TWUE WAY' and makes me giggle/sad.

Enjoyment

Some Sherlock and Watson fun from Tabby Stardust along with a very nice secret from male submission art. This is something that drives me crazy too. BDSM porn where the actors/characters are forced into it squicks me. I want to scream red for the person and go get them a juice box and a blanket. Consensual nonconsent is wonderful, but if I can't see the consensual part of it, I get bad feelings about the whole thing and I end up being sad instead of being able to enjoy my porn.

Fanfiction also has a lot of 'no, don't tie me up, it's humiliating', but I can find ones I like more easily. And I like writing it too, so even better.

Butchness/selfness

I used to hate the word butch.

When I was younger, it was always such a taunt. As I've posted before, I was often teased for being masculine and as I'd been brought up with society's views of how little girls should think, act and look, I thought being masculine - being butch- was an awful thing.

I also rebelled at being feminine. I hated wearing dresses, I refused to shave my legs for a long time and whenever we played pretend, I was a boy.

When I got to be about 21 or so, I began to come to terms with my butchness. I was getting fatter, I had my head half shaved and I really, really loved being male to my partner. I don't present as male most of the time. It's not something I'm ready to do. But if I couldn't be my masculine, butch self with my boy, I doubt I'd be as sane as I am. I've been a boy in my relationships since I was sixteen, which is part of the reason I started dating girls. None of the boys I was interested in understood that, but girls, especially 16 year old bi or curious ones, tended not to care what gender I presented as in private.

Still, I've only just started to realize how much my image of myself is of this butch person. When my hair was long, I was pretty. And I appreciated it. But it felt like I was appreciating someone else. 'Oh, she's pretty. Definitely not me, but pretty,' was about all I felt about it.

Now that my hair is buzzed on the sides again, I feel so much more at home. Which is an odd feeling. Apparently I need to be able to see my scalp in order to feel like myself.

I would be sad if I were not the fat, butch, hairy, half-shaved head person that I am.

Fuck labels, really. I'm a lot of things. Several of them are contradictions. That's okay. I'm me.

Wheelchair Worship

From Lab Coat Lingerie.

When this picture was taken, I had barely begun adulthood and I thought my life was over.  I was twenty-one.  Many of my health conditions were undiagnosed or untreated.  I was sick.  I was tired.  I wanted to think of myself as strong, but I was just a kid who was lost and confused because my body was breaking.  I felt isolated from my friends, who couldn’t understand what I was going through.  I couldn’t take care of myself very well.  I was so tired that getting out of bed took a huge effort.  If I wanted to go somewhere farther than my apartment, I had to use a power chair.

I have never felt less sexy than when I was in my wheelchair.

My chair is not sexy.  It is upholstered in a color I can only describe as “medical gray,” a color that says “I have zero personality.”  It is a color that says “I am functional and not sexy, because why on earth would I need to be sexy?”  The plastic of the chair is red, but not a “fuck me” red.  It is not a red that evokes any sort of lust or hints at any secret desire.  It is a “we needed to make this a customizable, so you have a choice of red or blue, isn’t that nice” red.  The chair as a whole is bulky and not especially well-designed for comfort.  Form, I suspect, was not a factor in its design.  It is simple, but inelegant, minimalist only insofar as it has few features.  It is almost purely designed for the function of getting from point A to point B, and, truthfully, not very well even for that.

Disabled sexuality is virtually erased in our society.  People with disabilities are, at best, considered nonsexual, entirely lacking in sexual identity.  At worst, we are seen as perverts merely for having sexual desires.  And we are, above all, undesirable. The aesthetic of my power chair reflects this–why bother make something sexy when the person using it isn’t going to be having sex?

There is a difference between impairment and disability.  To borrow a definition from Stacey Milbern, “impairment is the reality of what your body is able to do, and disability is what society disallows your body to do because it has an impairment.”  I have a degenerative illness.  Whether I am in a wheelchair or not, my body is impaired.  Pain and fatigue are not perceivable by the naked eye.  But once I sit in my wheelchair, my disability becomes visible and I can no longer  “pass” for able-bodied.  When I sit in my wheelchair, the status of my disability does not change, but the way society views me does.  Suddenly I am an object of pity rather than desire.  When I roll down the street, people avert their eyes.

I don’t want people to see “past” my disability.  I want them to see me as a whole person, including my impairments.  I have fucked someone in my wheelchair.  (I have fucked a couple of someones in my wheelchair, actually, I mean, not to brag or anything.)  It was physically awkward and uncomfortable, and also? incredibly hot, because I was living out this idea, that my illness is a part of who I am, deserving of love, just like the rest of me.  I also tended to dress more provocatively when using my chair for a similar reason–I wanted to forcibly turn people’s eyes toward me, to demand from them the desire that I knew I deserved.

The photo at the beginning of this post is one of the oldest sexy pictures I have of myself.  I took it to make a point.  I wanted to confront people with their preconceptions about disability and desirability.  With this picture, I wanted to do what social norms prevented me from doing, to scream, “Look at me!  SEE me.  Recognize me as who I am, a sexual being!”

I no longer use my powerchair.  I still have it, but I am on a combination of medications that render it unnecessary, at least for the moment.  I do still use a manual wheelchair in certain circumstances.  I dream of the day when pushing my wheelchair is seen as a service, not a chore.  Some day sleek, sexy wheelchairs will be the norm.  Some day someone will worship my wheelchair, and me, in my wheelchair.  When that day comes, I will sit as in a throne, and I will be powerful and broken and beautiful and whole.

**

I really have nothing to add to this entry from Lab Coat Lingerie, except that I felt it was important to share it. 

Polished

Do you know what I love best about having my boy clean and polish my boots?

For the next week or so, however long the shine lasts, every time I look down at my boots, or put them on, or take them off, I think about him. I get this wonderful rise of emotions. Pride at having such a practical and considerate boy. Lust, remembering him rubbing the polish into my boots with his fingers, being able to feel it through the leather and the fun that ensued. And of course love, for someone so invaluable who deems me worthy to be their dominant.

There is nothing more wonderful than having someone you admire and respect go down on their knees and polish your boots for you.

This is a picture of my boots from three years ago. Unfortunately they have gone to boot heaven now, but they served me well.

Did I mention I got new boots?

Did I mention that we've been playing with boots a lot lately?

Heh, there might be a lot more posts about boots for awhile. Hope no one minds!

Humiliation or Humility

Humility; the quality of being honest and respectful.
Humiliation; the abasement of pride; being reduced to a state of lowliness.

I can see where the root is the same. But being humble and being humiliated are two entirely different things.

Having humility, in my mind, is being aware of who you are and the possibilities around you. You don't know what sort of experiences and knowledge can be offered by everyone around you, therefore you are humble and respectful of those around you. You are respectful of yourself, the people and things around you and you act with care.

Humiliation, that's something entirely different.

I'm not sure why people feel the need to be humiliated. So many people describe it in an erotic way and I just don't get it. Why is wearing women's underwear humiliating to men? Why is licking someone's feet or boots humiliating? Why is getting fucked humiliating?

If you've consented to whatever humiliating event is happening, how is it humiliation? Is licking your Mistress's feet after begging her to be able to do so humiliating? Is it really making you less prideful? Is it humiliating to be urinated on by your Master after you expressed an interest in trying watersports? Does it make you feel low?

I like licking my boy's toes and sucking them. But it doesn't make me feel low. It makes me happy. It makes me happy because he squirms and giggles and he enjoys it. I love having him suck my toes too, so I know how good it feels and I want him to experience it too.

Watersports are another thing I don't consider humiliating. Your top is marking you as theirs. What could possibly be humiliating about that? That's something to take pride in, if anything. Same with so many 'humiliating' activities.

There is an excitement to consensual non-consent and I understand the importance of role play, but it still wouldn't be something I would ever consider humiliating.

Perhaps humiliation play is a better term for it.

Maybe I'm just wordy today.

Point of view

Alright, ignoring the fact that I got this image at Real Dominant Women... who is in charge in this photo?

I have enjoyed straight razor shaving very much. I have topped from either side of it. I have shaved my boy this way and I delight in the power and control I have with a razor at his throat. It's very sexy and a powerful feeling, knowing how easy it would be to slit his throat. Not to mention how good the razor feels, it's a wonderful sensation play.

I have also topped in the way that I have my boy shave me. I relax in the tub, read a book, soak under a towel, get all lathered up and shaved. It feels spectacular and it's his service to me. He doesn't have the control or power because he's not in that mindset and neither am I. I have the power because he is doing me this service, keeping his dominant relaxed and keeping his appearance sharp.

This is why I enjoy this photo, to be honest. Not only because I have a hard on for straight razor shaving, but also because this can be seen in either light, depending on the viewer.

Submission

So, before I start this, let me just say, I like words. I love words. I love etymology and learning about how certain words are connected and why that is and what words have meant in the past. Have some of my musings.


According to Dictionary.com;

sub·mis·sion

noun

1.

an act or instance of submitting.

2.

the condition of having submitted.

3.

submissive  conduct or attitude.

sub·mit·ting.

verb (used with object)

1.

to give over or yield to the power or authority of another(often used reflexively).

2.

to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

sub·mis·sive

adjective

1.

inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.

2.

marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Related forms

sub·mis·sive·ly, adverb

sub·mis·sive·ness, noun

non·sub·mis·sive, adjective

non·sub·mis·sive·ly, adverb

non·sub·mis·sive·ness, noun

Synonyms 
1.  tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2.  passive, resigned,patient, docile, tame, subdued. 

Antonyms 
1.  rebellious, disobedient. 

And my own note; for antonyms, I'd have to add bratty.

According to Wikipedia;

Submission is the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one's superior or superiors.

I find the definition from Wikipedia interesting. Acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one's superior. Accepting someone's power as valid. I actually like this definition a lot, mostly because of my experiences with my boy. Most doms assume that because they are dominants and he is a submissive, that automatically makes them dominant to him.  Even if there is no discussion of play, they assume that he, being submissive, is submissive to everyone who considers themselves a D-type.

Just because I hold all the power in the world over my own submissive, doesn't mean I have any effect on any other sub. Just because your sub fawns over you at the drop of a hat, doesn't mean they're submissive to anyone who casually introduces themselves as a dominant. That would make the relationship a bit cheap, don't you think? If they'll drop to their knees for anyone, it isn't special when they do it for you!

My boy, for all that he is a submissive, isn't always submissive. He is a take-charge sort of person and he gets things done. If that means he has to bull his way through the plans of me or our dominant or top friends, he has no problem doing so. He likes to organize, which often makes him the one in charge.

Yes, he is mine. However, that doesn't mean that he isn't a person of his own with his own plans and ideas for everyday necessities. If my wanting him to do something interferes with his need to butler, I'll usually wait until he's through. His butlering (yes, this is my favorite new word) and organizing is part of his submission to me. He makes my life easier. He does my taxes, makes appointments for me, pays all the bills and basically does all the running around. Without his personality and drive to do what needs doing, I wouldn't have the wonderful butler that I do. 

I often relinquish the front seat of the car to him, due to his carsickness. That could easily be considered submitting, since a lot of protocols would demand he sit in the back. As a concerned spouse, I wouldn't subject him to sitting in the back where he'll feel ill. However, as a dominant, should I submit to his needs? Of course I should. Even if we are in a power exchange where I have the power, that doesn't mean I should always use the power to please myself. Pleasing and caring for your submissive is incredibly important and any dominant who uses submission to tend to their own needs and ignore the needs of their submissives is an abuser. There has to be a balance in every relationship. Everyone has needs that need meeting, even if they're as simple as 'this makes my tummy hurt, can we change this?'

Is my power over him legitimate? Yes and no. Really, I'd say that I don't deserve to have him submit. I'd say that I have to earn it as much as anyone would have to earn respect and acknowledgement. I am not a particularly dominant person. I have my days and we have our scenes where he wouldn't dare question who is in charge, but that doesn't mean I am always dominant to him. Because he chooses to acknowledge my power over him, that makes my dominance legitimate.

A dominant without a willing submissive is a pianist without a piano. Sure, you might have all this skill and knowledge, but without someone to acknowledge it and allow you to put it into practice... you're just a person.

How not to approach a dominant woman

So! I've been wanting to write one of these for a long time. Because I am female bodied and identify as a sadist, or a dominant on certain sites that don't allow you to choose sadist, I have received a LOT of messages from submissive men looking for a dominant. They ignored the fact that I listed myself as gay, married, not looking, etc. And most of them made these mistakes.

If you've been finding it very difficult to keep messages going back and forth with a female dominant or have been getting a lot of rejections, these suggestions might help.

Keep in mind that I'm a queer sadist, not a female dominant. Also keep in mind that I have a few dominant female friends and we rant about messages together.

Here it goes!

Art from Nifty.

How not to approach a dominant woman:

Do not start by saying 'I am not worth your time'.
If you tell someone you're not worth their time, they might not bother trying to prove you wrong. They'll probably just ignore you. This isn't a sign of submission, this is a sign of you thinking yourself worthless. There is a difference between humility and having no self-esteem.

Do not use a title.
Calling someone Mistress, Lady, Ma'am, Miss, etc, should wait until you're in an established relationship. If you feel the need to call them by some sort of title, why not ask and find out if that's okay with them? Otherwise you're involving them in your kink without their consent. And if it is okay, what title do they prefer? I know I get much grumpier if people call me Mistress than if people call me Sir.

Do not say 'I am a dominant, but I'd submit to you'.
This is not flattering. I've met and heard from lots of men who have done this. It just makes me sad that they can't admit that they like to switch from time to time. There is nothing wrong with submitting and there is nothing wrong with wanting to submit to people you're attracted to, but calling yourself a dominant and turning around and begging a woman to be your mistress gets old fast.

Do not start by saying 'I know I am not what you're looking for'.
This falls under my first point. She'll probably believe you and not waste any more time on you.

Do not say 'I am VERY submissive'.
Just saying that you're submissive will do. She'll figure out your limits as they fit with hers if she has an interest.

Do not make comments on her physical appearance.
I'd make an exception for something like 'I really enjoyed your photos'. But I've gotten a lot of 'wow, so you don't shave down there?' and 'I like your tits'. Instant dislike. Just keep it respectful if you feel the need to say it.

Do not give her a grocery list of your fetishes and turn ons.
This is not what anyone wants right off the bat unless they are just looking for a quick night of fun. If you want her to be your dominant and to have a relationship with you, try talking about yourself as a whole. Telling her about your kinks is part of that, but be a whole person. Tell her about your hobbies, your pets, your interests. I've had better conversations with male submissives about the kind of farms we've worked on and what sort of food we like than I have with any boy that gives me a list of things he wants me to do to him. It's impersonal and not most people's cup of tea. If she wants a list of your kinks, she can always ask.

Do NOT start with 'Would you do this to me?'
Wait until she's agreed to play with you at all! Wait until she knows a bit about you! I can't even express how many times I've gotten this and above all things, it drives me crazy.

Do not start with 'May I please have the honour to chat with you/serve you?'
This sort of protocol is reserved for people you're already playing with. This isn't showing submission. This is trying to play with someone who hasn't consented or even really met you yet. Talk to her like you would anyone else. 'Hey, interested in chatting sometime?'

Do not say 'I am looking for (whatever) with a dominant woman.'
We know you're looking for a dominant woman. The way you say it makes women feel like you don't care who it is, that it could be ANY dominant woman. Which most people find insulting. If you don't see what's wrong with that, I can't help you. However, if you understand what I'm getting at, consider saying something like this instead; 'I am hoping for (whatever) with someone as (interesting, creative, sadistic, etc) as you.'

Do not continue messaging someone who has not responded. 
Give them at least a few weeks. Then, if you're still pining, send a reminder. Something simple like 'Hey, just seeing if you got my message, still hoping to chat'. Do not beg, do not whine. Just try to initiate a conversation. If she doesn't respond, either she's not interested or she has some other reason to not respond. Leave it at that and move on. And one more thing, don't make your last message 'Oh, I guess you're not interested...'. It makes you sound like a kicked puppy.

Do not tell her you have no limits/will do anything for her.
Everyone into kink and bdsm (and everyone in general) has limits. If you want to include your limits, maybe start with the basics. 'I am interested in edge play, however my limits are consent, children, animals, permanent scars, scat, whatever.' If she is a responsible dominant, she'll much prefer that you told her your limits than told her 'I'll do anything!' People who say that to me online always appear in my head as the foaming mouth guy from Avatar.

Does this look like someone you would want to dominate?

If you think it might make her uncomfortable, don't say it.

The basics are:
-read profiles before you message people
-write your message a few times if you need to to get it right
-be polite, not subservient
-do not involve her in your fantasies without asking permission (IE; calling her Mistress)
-act like a whole person and be yourself

Dominant women are still just women. They want to know you as a person. Most of them have to like you as a person in order to want to dominate you. Show them what a wonderful person you are and offer them something no one else can; you!

Good luck on your search.
M

Top Poaching

So, Illixim had been offering to play with people at parties, you know, those without partners, or those who wanted to try something new. Which is great.

Problem was, they started expecting it, to the exclusion of me. Normally, it's perfectly reasonable to just ask the top in a relationship, but we're also married. You wouldn't just be in front of one partner and be saying to the other, "Hey, so we're still going to fuck on Saturday?" without knowing how the other one feels about that. Just because something has happened once, do not assume that it will happen all the time. When I am not getting as much play as I would like, why would I want some outsider getting play from my wife?

I talked to Illixim about this and she was totally cool with it. We tried telling people that they had to talk to me first, but they all just did this really passive-aggressive asking her in front of me. Um, sorry. That's not asking me. That's discussing it with her in front of me, and making me feel like the bad guy for not letting you play with my dominant. Boo hoo. Get your fucking own.

It's one of those situations where there isn't really one person or incident that you can point to and go, "Ah ha, that was it!" It was just a bunch of little things, any one of them being petty, but taken together it was too much. So, she's not playing with anyone but me for a while, and hopefully they'll figure out that she's not just a prodomme or something, that they can just use to get their rocks off (and not even pay!).

I felt kind of shitty doing this, because I want people to play and have fun, and I really don't want to be the bad guy. At the same time, I was finding the whole situation extremely irritating and I don't like feeling that way.

I'm just getting really jaded about the whole 'community' here. And again, there's really not one person or situation I can point to and say, "If they were gone..." or "If this were to not happen..." It's just the whole scene. More and more I just want to say 'fuck off' and just play with Illixim. I hope I'll feel better after our vacation :)

**Edit**

I just read Illixim's piece about this topic and had a few things to add. Firstly, she's exactly right: if someone were to approach both of us or just her respectfully and say, "You know, if you're going to be at the next play party and you're free, I'd really like to play, if that's alright" or "Could we have coffee and talk about playing sometime". But it's the expectation, the pressure, the "Well, you're the head of this group, it's your duty to accommodate us" attitude. Well, no, it's not. We host munches. We put on parties. We are not here to entertain you or hold your hands or make sure you play. That's up to you. If you can't be fucking grown up enough to figure out that much, what the hell business do you think you have in BDSM? Be mature enough to take no for an answer, to realize that yes, Illixim is the dominant but we are also in a committed relationship. At least respect us both to ask what our rules and boundaries are. And that's what it is: a lack of respect. A lack of common sense and a lack of stopping to think. They don't respect her because they don't care about her. They're just playing with her to get played with, which I find very demeaning. They show me even less respect because they don't want anything from me.

Or what would be even better, "Hey, I realize that your wife comes first, but would you be willing to do a scene with me/talk about playing?" Or...well, pretty much anything than what has been happening, what Illixim said, "So, next play party...*blinkblink*"

To dress as a woman

Wow.

I really don't even know what to say about this picture, except that he is absolutely stunning and this is what I love about crossdressing. Because he is absolutely beautiful and just as hairy and muscular as a man can be. And he can still wear a beautiful corset, garters and stockings. He can be delicate and feminine and manly and fuzzy and muscular and drop-dead gorgeous all at once. This is why I love crossdressing.


Not because women are more submissive, not because men believe women to be sluts and therefore dressing as a woman means dressing as a slut, but because sometimes they look gorgeous in clothing designated for women. Sometimes it's just lovely.

And sometimes they can be a dirty, filthy little girl in frilly panties, and that's okay.

Sometimes, I think people forget that as long as everyone's consenting, fetishes and kinks don't really hurt anyone. Maybe we should just let them be.

Apparently I did know what to say about this picture. Huh.

This epiphany has been awhile coming. I've been debating the misogyny of crossdressing with a few other female dominants and reading a lot about it. It's just like any kink, especially those that can be insulting. Race play, consensual nonconsent... so many of these things can be construed as racist, misogynistic, homophobic, whatever, but it's not meant to be seen from outside, in a way. What's important is what the people involved are getting out of it.

If you're involved and it squicks you, remove yourself. Call red. It's that simple.

most common fantasies

These are adorable! I'm really fond of a lot of Humon's art, there's a lot of creativity, different body sizes, kink and exploration of different sexualities. I don't think this is the entire comic, just the first parts, but I highly suggest looking up more of Humon's work.


Now for my take on each of these kinks:

Objectification
As anyone who read my blog with any regularity should know, I love this. Objectification is beautiful, often artistic and it makes a person into a stunning statue or work of art. As far as I'm concerned, you can't go wrong.

Still, I always worry that my boy will get bored of being a footrest while I read. It never seems to happen though. :)

Chastity
I'm not really interested in chastity myself, since sex is an integral part of me and my relationship. I understand not having it once in awhile because then everything seems even more amazing when you finally do... but we tried a chastity device and not only do they not work very well for female-bodied people, but they're cumbersome and hard to get off when your pet really has to pee.

I can see why people are into it, but I'd much rather control someone by saying 'no, you don't have permission to touch yourself' rather than buckling them into this contraption. I'd want them to have some self-control.

Forced bisexuality
Any kink with the word 'forced' in it tends to bother me a little. I know that most of the time, the idea of being forced into something is erotic and it's just roleplay, but I know if I was a gay submissive and someone tried to do forced bisexuality with me, that'd be a red immediately, and we'd have to have a serious talk.

Still, allowing someone to experiment with their urges for the same or opposite sex is wonderful, as long as all parties are consenting.

Forced feminization
There's been a lot of talk about this one lately. Mostly, people see this as humiliating. Which drives me up the wall. There is nothing humiliating about being dressed as a woman. What should really be called humiliating is that generally those who are into forced feminization are into being dressed up in a very provocative way. I know if someone dressed me up that way, I'd be pissed off.

The idea that crossdressers see women as sluts bothers me. But I've never actually met a crossdresser that can accurately describe what it is that they want and what they get out of this.

I think it shouldn't be called crossdressing. It should be called slut-dressing or something. There's nothing wrong with being a slut, but not all women are and it's not very flattering to say 'I'm dressing as a woman' when you're dressing as a percentage of women.

I do understand the appeal of dressing your play partner up like a slut, calling them names, getting them to play a role they never play in public. However, it isn't a reflection on all women.

Sometimes I wonder if I just over think these things because of who I live with and am mentored by.

Any crossdressers/sissies/those into feminization reading this have an opinion?

Anyway, go check out Humon for some awesome art.

Devalued male submission

“The BDSM blogosphere has been all aflutter lately about the devaluation of male submission. And it’s about fucking time. Because the kink scene treats male subs as if they are unwanted, uninvited guests, not recognizing the fact that they are real people with feelings of their own, that their dominant partners cherish them. Every time I see a Fetlife profile that reads “I’m not attracted to submissive men” (frequently, in my experience, on the profiles of female switches and occasionally other female dominants), my stomach clenches. They don’t seem to realize that such an attitude is linked to another problem in the scene: the tokenization of female dominants.

The public BDSM scene has a predilection towards the maledom femalesub dynamic. If you are female, you are presumed to be submissive unless stated otherwise, and if you are male, you are presumed to be dominant unless stated otherwise. (And if you are non-gender-normative, if you don’t fit in a nice little ticky-box, then the scene may accept you but not really know what to do with you.) As much as we would like to believe that the scene is a problem-free sexual utopia, it still suffers from many of the problems that mainstream society does. Straight male sexuality is prioritized, and thus straight male doms are the prevailing players in the scene. Straight male doms have no use for male subs, yet they still like female doms—they like us because we bring a certain energy to the scene and are fun to talk to and be around and because they hope that maybe we’ll co-top their girls with them and that they might be able to get into our pants.

So my sexuality is something that people in the scene can appreciate and sort of see the value in from afar. But the object of that sexuality is not accepted in the scene. While male subs are not seen as potential objects of desire, female doms are seen only as objects of desire. That’s how I feel sometimes as a femme dom in the public scene: they see me, but not my desires.

I feel like Geordi.


In Star Trek: the Next Generation, the character Geordi LaForge never got laid (this is where I out myself as a nerd, if the pseudonym and the lab coat and the giant boner for science weren’t already a dead giveaway). They had to have a character who was black and disabled, to show how progressive and inclusive they were. But they weren’t progressive enough to give him a sex life. Hollywood had this ridiculous idea about the primal, savage nature of black men, especially in relation to their sexuality. And so the closest poor Geordi ever gets to having a sexual relationship is with a holographic character, and even that is unconsummated–he gets blue-balled by his own fantasies, because oh no, if we show a black man in a sexual situation then the viewers will have to be reminded of the fact that he has a penis. We all know that there’s nothing scarier to mainstream 90′s American culture than a black man’s penis–the popularity of racist porn stemming from the eroticization of this fear belies it. (Not to mention the fact that Geordi falls right into the trope of “disabled characters don’t have a sexuality.”)  Geordi and I are both welcomed in our respective communities, as long as we keep our sexual desires silent—closeted—and to ourselves.

When I meet het male doms, I always try to make it abundantly clear to them from the beginning of our association that I am not a switch, I am not interested in playing, I am not interested in co-topping girls with them, I am not interested in anything beyond friendship with them.

And often, they continue to be friendly. And I like that because I am also friendly and I like to have friends, of all orientations. And I think to myself, “you know, we’re different, we get off on different things, but maybe he can appreciate me for who I am even though I’m not submissive and he knows we can’t have that type of interaction.”

“Maybe he can still respect me and the dynamic that I enjoy.” But then I hear language that refers to male submission as if it is something disgusting or shameful.

And that’s what bothers me.

A few months ago, maymay was referred to as “such a fucking weak-ass male submissive that he makes male submission look bad” by a dominant man who is well-known in the local community.

This writing has since been deleted. But the harmful words still ring in my ears. Maymay is not making male submissives look bad. The author is the one who is making male submissives look bad, because he is using the words “male submissive” as an insult. Would he have said “a fucking weak-ass gay”? I think not, at least, not in the San Francisco scene—such words have a clear underlying implication of homophobia. But somehow, using someone’s D/s status as a slur is acceptable.

While I don’t enjoy the maledom-femsub dynamic myself, I think it is a completely valid sexuality. I would never presume to tell someone otherwise. These het-male-doms who make up the mainstream of the subculture that we inhabit? I think they like me and respect me and think I’m hot, but I don’t know if they think my sexuality is valid.

And so I feel tokenized. It’s not fair to me, because where would I, a femme dom, be without my masculine sub? We are two sides of a coin. Today I am not beating my queer drum; today I am borrowing maymay’s drum: You cannot truly respect me without respecting my submissive as well. If you value me, you must value him.

There is a lot of male submissive-shaming in the public scene.  You’ll hear it all the time.  “Male subs are creepy,” “male subs spoil the atmosphere, so we don’t want to encourage them.” And while I have indeed encountered many male submissives who have acted in inappropriate ways, I have one question to ask: why do you suppose that male subs like maymay who do respect boundaries don’t feel welcome in the scene? It’s not because they are making male submission look bad, it’s because you are equating male submission with badness.

And by doing this, you are hurting me.

This is the reason I go to sleep alone every night. It’s not because there’s something wrong with me as a potential romantic/sexual partner. It’s because there’s no one for me to date. Because everyone’s been telling all the male submissives that they’re unwanted for so long that they won’t come out to play. So I’m sitting here in my kinky sandbox with my toys all by myself.

And it hurts.

If you respect me, if you respect my identity as a female dominant, then recognize that when you devalue male submission, you are devaluing the objects of my desire, and by doing so, you. are. hurting. me. too.”

Again, by Professor Chaos.