From
Lab Coat Lingerie.
When this picture was taken, I had
barely begun adulthood and I thought my life was over. I was twenty-one.
Many of my health conditions were undiagnosed or untreated. I was
sick. I was tired. I wanted to think of myself as strong, but I was
just a kid who was lost and confused because my body was breaking. I felt
isolated from my friends, who couldn’t understand what I was going through.
I couldn’t take care of myself very well. I was so tired that
getting out of bed took a huge effort. If I wanted to go somewhere farther
than my apartment, I had to use a power chair.
I have never felt less sexy than when I
was in my wheelchair.
My chair is not sexy. It is
upholstered in a color I can only describe as “medical gray,” a color that says
“I have zero personality.” It is a color that says “I am functional and
not sexy, because why on earth would I need to be sexy?” The plastic of
the chair is red, but not a “fuck me” red. It is not a red that evokes
any sort of lust or hints at any secret desire. It is a “we needed to
make this a customizable, so you have a choice of red or blue, isn’t that nice”
red. The chair as a whole is bulky and not especially well-designed for
comfort. Form, I suspect, was not a factor in its design. It is
simple, but inelegant, minimalist only insofar as it has few features. It
is almost purely designed for the function of getting from point A to point B,
and, truthfully, not very well even for that.
Disabled sexuality is virtually erased
in our society. People with disabilities are, at best, considered
nonsexual, entirely lacking in sexual identity. At worst, we are seen as
perverts merely for having sexual desires. And
we are, above all, undesirable.
The aesthetic of my power chair reflects this–why bother make something sexy
when the person using it isn’t going to be having sex?
There is a difference between impairment
and disability. To borrow a definition from Stacey Milbern, “impairment is the reality of what
your body is able to do, and disability is what society disallows your body to
do because it has an impairment.” I have a degenerative illness.
Whether I am in a wheelchair or not, my body is impaired. Pain and
fatigue are not perceivable by the naked eye. But once I sit in my
wheelchair, my disability becomes visible and I can no longer “pass” for able-bodied. When I sit in my
wheelchair, the status of my disability does not change, but the way society
views me does. Suddenly I am an object of pity rather than desire.
When I roll down the street, people avert their eyes.
I don’t want people to see “past” my
disability. I want them to see me as a whole person, including my
impairments. I have fucked someone in my wheelchair. (I have fucked
a couple of someones in my wheelchair, actually, I mean, not to brag or
anything.) It was physically awkward and uncomfortable, and also? incredibly
hot, because I was living out this idea, that my illness is a part of who I am,
deserving of love, just like the rest of me. I also tended to dress more
provocatively when using my chair for a similar reason–I wanted to forcibly
turn people’s eyes toward me, to demand from them the desire that I knew I
deserved.
The photo at the beginning of this post
is one of the oldest sexy pictures I have of myself. I took it to make a
point. I wanted to confront people with their preconceptions about
disability and desirability. With this picture, I wanted to do what
social norms prevented me from doing, to scream, “Look at me! SEE me.
Recognize me as who I am, a sexual being!”
I no longer use my
powerchair. I still have it, but I am on a combination of medications
that render it unnecessary, at least for the moment. I do still use a
manual wheelchair in certain circumstances. I dream of the day when
pushing my wheelchair is seen as a service, not a chore. Some day sleek,
sexy wheelchairs will be the norm. Some day someone will worship my
wheelchair, and me, in my wheelchair. When that day comes, I will
sit as in a throne, and I will be powerful and broken and beautiful and whole.
**
I really have nothing to add to this entry from Lab Coat Lingerie, except that I felt it was important to share it.
