Used

The fantasy of being used by strangers, in any way they see fit, of being unable to resist or have any say, is very common. It's an amazing fantasy and it works into a lot of the writing and scenes that me and my boy have. But I often run into people who can't understand the difference between negotiating for play and telling people about their fantasies.

The reality of that sort of play is terrifying. The fantasy might be amazing and mind-blowing, but trusting your body and your self to a stranger, or even to someone you know, without the option of safewording or escaping safely... terrifying.

On the plus side, it makes for some sexy art.

Go thank Coffee Cream for the art.

Victim blaming and responsibility

Please read through this. Though I recognize that victim-blaming happens, I find that this also happens a great deal in bdsm circles.


"Once upon a time (not so long ago), when I wasn't yet Piper and was very new and verrrry naive about the scene, I fucked up - biiiig time. After only going to a few public play parties, I decided I was ready to go to a private one, staying with people I barely knew, and not telling anyone the truth about where I was going. I didn't yet know my limits, thought I was the biggest baddest bottom to ever hit the scene, and threw myself into situation after situation I wasn't yet prepared for. I pushed myself way past my limits, didn't safe word when I should have, and did things I was later uncomfortable with, and too upset to voice publicly until now.

I was ill-informed, I was unsafe and I messed up.

When the top I was staying with learned of some of this, he sat me right down and explained how unsafe being mute about my limits and feelings was, and how dangerous I had been to myself. He forced me to accept my limits, and wouldn't play with me until I was comfortable voicing them. He saved me from countless potential future violations and negative interactions.

No one has ever held this against me, called me a predator, or accused me of making the scene unsafe.

However, had I been on the other end of this, people might do so.

I have seen numerous times in this community, a top/dom(me) been held to higher standards of responsibility than a bottom. This is incredibly unsafe and unfair. Not only does this often lead to tops being quickly accused of violating someone's limits, being a predator, or even a rapist before all the facts are out on the table, but it also wildly skews the balance of power and responsibility in the scene - if the tops are given more responsibility, they are likewise given more power.

If I was writing this saying I was new in the scene, I went to a party I wasn't ready for, and I did some things I was ashamed of/uncomfortable with/upset about later, I know there would be people on this site that identify with me. And I know if I said, I know it wasn't all my fault, that it was partially the fault of the people who topped me for not checking in, that people would identify with that, too. What I'm not trying to do here is put my experience on anyone else or theirs, but simply express my frustration.

It wouldn’t have been fair of me to expect these tops to be mind readers. I never gave any inclination of my limits or that I felt pushed too far. They didn’t push me too far – I did. I violated myself, and did so through others, which breaches their consent and their limits, and to those people, I’m truly sorry.

I will never, ever blame someone for something I screwed up.

What I am not trying to do here is put my story and experience on others’. What I am trying to do is voice my frustration about bottoms being absolved of a lot of responsibility and guilt. I don’t think tops can be the only dangerous people in the scene, and yet they receive the harshest criticism and attacks.

I understand, that like me, a lot of bottoms may not fully realize how uncomfortable or not-okay they were with a situation until after the scene has died down. That doesn’t make any violation they felt okay. What it does do is give the bottom a responsibility to talk to the top after the fact. A scene is not a top doing something to a bottom – it is a relationship between two or more people, for however long, and everyone involved in that relationship should have the same amount of power, responsibility, and right to know what happened. How can you blame someone for fucking up if they never knew? How can you publicly chastise someone for being monstrous or a predator if you never discussed that with them?

I am not, and never will be, victim blaming. If a friend came to me saying they’d been hurt, I would immediately be on their side. But I would ask them, did they say something? Did they fully and clearly express their limits beforehand? Did the other people involved know they felt violated? If not, they’ve given up their responsibility in the scene to respect their partner’s/s’ limits and consent.

If you left a scene with everyone feeling good, seemingly happy, and then months later was publicly called out by that person for violating and abusing them, wouldn’t you feel jarred, that your trust in that person to communicate with you had been broken?

I know everyone has their own views, stories, experiences and processes, but I hope that the community begins giving an equal amount of respect and responsibility to bottoms, to not automatically assume that because someone feels badly after a scene that it must have been the top’s fault. Every time we relieve the bottom of all responsibility for their own safety and for their relationship within the scene, we’re not only perpetuating domism, but encouraging a dangerous mindset and process, that I, for one, feel sick about.

So, please don’t throw your story and your experience on other’s/s’. Please don’t absolve bottoms of their responsibilities, and likewise, their respect. Please don’t victim blame, but please also don’t be quick to yell ‘predator.’ And please give everyone the same amount of respect and responsibility you hold yourself."

-tied_piper

trash - abuse

Powerful work from Jisuk. A bleeding, partially undressed, bound and gagged boy thrown in the garbage with all the trash bags.

For a lot of top folk, the idea that bottoms are just to be thrown out after seems to be normal. It's the idea that you don't need a relationship, that you can just pick up anyone new to bdsm, offer to be their 'mentor' and then use and abuse them. I'm quite sick of that.

I feel like I need to warn those who are new to bdsm that older and 'more experienced' people may try to take advantage of their eagerness to learn and have a partner. At the same time, I don't want to scare away those people who are new. I want them to realize that a lot of us are normal people who can be trusted and will help them to learn without expecting sexual favors, etc, in return.

And really, how do you approach someone who's known to be a predator of those new and shiny members of the bdsm groups and tell them to fuck off, we know what they're up to? We're supposed to be a welcoming group and our standards of mentorship and safety can't apply to everyone. Still, I'm sick of seeing new people disappear after the predators have scared them off, or seeing them get hurt after trying a relationship with a predator.

Rape

I happened to get my Kindle to define 'rape' for me, and its definitions bothered me.

"the crime, committed by a man, of forcing another person to have sexual intercourse with him without their consent and against their will, esp. by the threat or use of violence against them"

"the abduction of a woman, esp. for the purpose of having sexual intercourse with her"

Now, several things bother me about these definitions. In the first one, the fact that it specifies that rape must be committed by a man. While " The U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (1999) estimated that 91% of U.S. rape victims are female and 9% are male, with 99% of the offenders being male," there is still one percent of rape being carried out by women--that's reported.

The same is true of the second definition--why does rape have to happen to a woman? Just because something is more common doesn't mean that nothing else happens. Take homosexuality. I'm not saying that everything should always try to be about everyone ever, but using very specific words like that isn't necessary. (I've missed blogging).

Here's a gender neutral definition: "an act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person;

the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse."

The thing that really bothers me about all those definitions is the use of 'sexual intercourse'. If you ask most straight, vanilla people, (who, last time I checked, are the majority) they will tell you that sexual intercourse is: "heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis : coitus."

So, if you only got raped in the ass or mouth, or masturbated on, or anything else...too bad for you.

Now, in a lot of jurisdictions, certain non-sexual intercourse rapes fall under the category of sexual assault. Sexual assault is defined as " assault of a sexual nature on another person," with assault further meaning " a crime of violence against another person". Um...so...rape? Isn't that splitting hairs juuuuuust a little? To me, it goes like this: sexual harassment is if something says something to you: "What are you wearing under that?" "Women can't do _____", whatever. Sexual assault is if someone makes a pass at you, shows you bits of themselves you didn't want to see, but they don't touch you. As far as I'm concerned, as soon as they touch you in a way that YOU consider sexual (I don't give a flying fuck what they think) -- It's rape. This includes kissing, fondling, stroking, patting, squeezing, whatever. If you didn't ask for it, it's rape. A lot of those things are considered by many people to be more intimate than sex.

This brings me to my final definition (not destination):

"The International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda in its landmark 1998 judgment used a definition of rape which did not use the word 'consent': "a physical invasion of a sexual nature committed on a person under circumstances which are coercive.""

This means that even if you give consent, if you give it under any sort of duress, it is still rape. So that if someone convinces you to have sex, through peer pressure, threatening to break up with you, or substances, even if you say 'yes', it is still rape.

It also says 'a physical invasion', which pretty much jives with my 'no-touchee' rule. And they don't mention gender anywhere.

I think that this should become THE ONLY definition of rape that is EVER used ANYWHERE. And no, I cannot stress that enough. How many people would feel so much better about themselves and their loved ones if THIS was the definition of rape that they knew? I can only imagine.

The definition continues to the following inferences:

"Valid consent is also lacking if the victim lacks an actual capacity to give consent, as in the case of a victim who is a child, or who has a mental impairment or developmental disability. Consent can always be withdrawn at any time, so that any further sexual activity after the withdrawal of consent constitutes rape.

The law would invalidate consent in the case of sexual intercourse with a person below the age at which they can legally consent to such relations. (See age of consent.) Such cases are sometimes called statutory rape or "unlawful sexual intercourse", regardless of whether it was consensual or not.

In times gone by and in many countries still today marriage is said to constitute at least an implied consent to sexual intercourse. However, marriage in many countries today is no longer a defense to rape or assault. In some jurisdictions, a person cannot be found guilty of the rape of a spouse, either on the basis of "implied consent" or (in the case of former British colonies) because of a statutory requirement that the intercourse must have been "unlawful" (which is legal nomenclature for outside of wedlock). However, in many of those jurisdictions, it is still possible to bring prosecutions for what is effectively rape by characterizing it as an assault."

^{Oh, here's another good definition: Sex with a woman, other than the perpetrator's wife, without her consent. No more, "Not tonight, I've got a headache"! Once that ring's on her finger, you can rape her til the cows cum home.}

The whole Wikipedia article is very interesting.

I have you

Soldiers, bondage, boots,  bruises, fear, possible interrogation, obvious pleasure in sadism, knife and blood play, uniform.... makes for a wonderful combination.

Art by Vomit.

Punch to the face

I love how messy and chaotic this picture is. I love the blood, the wild ropes, the tattoos, the stubble, the ripped shirt.... it's all dirty and staged and delicious.

Nipple twist

That the nipple twisting looks so natural and that his partner still seems to be enjoying... wonderful.

caged & art

 Curled up, sleeping in her cage. Good pet!

Haha, poor human art, if you lived with me I would torture you with more than feathers. You would be my candelabra.

Abuse vs BDSM

S&M vs Abuse

The key difference between S&M and Abuse is consent.

* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage.

S&M * Is based on the safe, sane, consensual or risk-aware consensual kink theory * S&M is a controlled environment * S&M has safe words to stop the scene * In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive * S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter * In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves * in S&M the dominant respects limits * In S&M there is mutual respect * In S&M the relationship is fulfilling * In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships * In S&M one can ask their partner to "play" * In S&M relationship there is trust * In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant * S&M is about building trust * S&M builds self esteem * S&M builds the spirit of a submissive

Abuse * Abuse is not negotiated * Abuse is an out of control environment * Abuse does not have safe words * An abuser does not give a damn about the victim * Abuse is always one sided * Abuse is never negotiated. * In abuse, no one is enjoying the results * The abuser is into non consensual violence * The victim has no respect towards the abuser * In abuse the victim is harmed * In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled * The abuser always feel they are superior * A person does not ask for abuse * In an abusive relationship there is no trust * The abuser does not care for consent * Abuse has no trust * Abuse destroys self esteem * An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim

Dominants:  * A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to stop the scene. * "Recalling," also known as "Flashbacks." Example of this can be, a sub who was raped years ago, and during a humiliation scene, has a recall of that traumatic moment. Know your sub. * Always clean your toys. Do not use the same toys without using condoms each time. Wash the toys after each use. Do not use same sex toys during multiple partner scenes without changing condoms. * Always use common sense. You are playing with a human being who has given you the gift of trust. Don't abuse that trust. * Reputation takes a lifetime to earn, yet a second to lose.  Don't ruin someone's life for a moment of gratification,