Alright, let me preface this whole semi-rant of mine by saying that I really love the comic Girls With Slingshots. It deals with a lot of things that are relevant to me. Unemployment, coming out, round ladies being sexy and amazing rather than just round, cactuses, lesbian relationships and dildos. The art is great, the characters are surprising and the jokes are funny. I've been following it daily since I stumbled across it about a year ago. I don't expect my comments and thoughts to change the story or to influence the artist in any way, this is a rant for the sake of ranting.
Also, I am not a professional domme. I do not live their lives, I do not want to. I am into bdsm purely for my own enjoyment and happiness, as well as the enjoyment and happiness of my boy.
With that said, and kept in mind, the new story line, involving Clarice who is a librarian/pro domme and Tucker, who finds out about her secret interests, is making me cringe a bit.
"To answer a common question, no, I’ve never had hands-on (hah) experience with the BDSM lifestyle. But I’ve done an ass-ton of research at this point, entirely from those who live in the lifestyle, both subs and doms, including two awesome friends of mine who used to run a BDSM bed & breakfast. Yes, seriously.
So, to those of you in the lifestyle, I’m happy to hear your thoughts if I’m doing something completely wrong! I don’t want to blatantly misrepresent your culture. Otherwise, please let your imagination run wild, and remember that Clarice and the rest of the cast live in a fantasy world.
A fantasy world with a talking cactus and the ghost of a stillborn kitten."
I realize that this is a fantasy world and that perhaps bdsm folk in this world are also pro dommes and make money at what they enjoy... but as someone who lives in the real world of bdsm, I can rant.
My problem with what has been said here is that she's talking about those of us who live this lifestyle. '...entirely from those who live in the lifestyle...' '...to those of you in the lifestyle...' when I consider pro dommes to be outside of the lifestyle/community. For the most part, bdsm is something they do for work, which means they don't generally take their play outside of work. They don't play by the same rules, nor do they have the same expectations as most kinky folk. There are always exceptions, of course.
As someone who is putting on a show, as well as someone who's being blackmailed into this (read the comic to understand the background), I can see why Clarice is pissed off. It makes for a good show and she's actually feeling that way too. But he is so shiny and new that he squeaks. If this were the real world, I'd say she should be giving him the safeword, not waiting for him to ask. So far, he doesn't seem terribly consenting, and to me, bdsm is all about consent. That's really all that separates it from abuse.
It's always possible he's playing the victim, which a lot of bottoms do (that way they don't actually want it, you've forced them into it, therefore it's okay, since they feel guilty for wanting 'naughty' things), but it's difficult to tell and non-consensual play is never a good idea.
The one thing that has upset me the most about this is the anger that Clarice is showing here. Some top folk like to feign anger when they play, but Clarice seems to have genuine (if fictional) anger. Playing angry is a really good way for someone to get hurt. There is already the possible issue of top space turning angry or violent, adding anger or hurt to that is like adding dynamite to a fire.
Some people might say that in these panels, Tucker should speak up, should tell her to go slower or that he isn't interested in bondage, or whatever it is that he needs to say. Though I agree, I think he should speak up, I also think that she should stop and listen and actually have a consensual arrangement going on. She is just as much at fault, if not more so, for any harm that may occur.
Also, before a scene it is customary to negotiate. I realize that this is a comic and things get skipped, but this is one of the things that drives me crazy about people who are new to bdsm and coming out to the scene.
They expect that things will be the way they are in porn or cartoons or comics or fantasy novels. I've had strangers ask me to tie them up and beat them. I've had them ask me if they have to submit if they come to a party. I've had them ask me to swing with them, to have sex with them, to dominate them, to submit to them and if I'll let them borrow my wife. The answer to all these questions has been no. Which has surprised them, every time. The bdsm scene is full of real people in real relationships and generally, it is not okay to ask such an intimate question without getting to know if they're taken, if they're into that or how they identify. (PS- Asking a sadist if she'll submit to you is not a good idea.)
Back to negotiation. Before any sort of scene, the people involved usually negotiate, especially if one of them is new. Negotiation usually includes what is okay, what is not okay and what is really not okay. It's customary (and a really good idea) to ask about health problems. If you end up playing hard with someone with a bad back and they can't move tomorrow, shame on you. If you end up playing hard with someone with a bad heart and they end up dying on you, it's a bit worse than shame. One generally asks what has been tried before, what is going on for this scene, if they have another partner, what the limits are and what the safeword(s) are.
No one wants a trip to emergency and having to explain the rope marks or the welts. Our lifestyle, especially the SM part of it, is considered illegal (at least here in Canada) because it's difficult to tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual play.
Again, I think this comes from watching porn and finding your interest in bdsm through fantasy. Calling a dominant, be they male or female, single or otherwise, any sort of honorific before having even spoken to them of playing is highly insulting. The only dominants that I've ever met that would enjoy that are people that I find unsettling. To call someone 'Mistress' (just for example, there are hundreds of titles I could have chosen) is a highly personal thing. You should only call someone Mistress if you are in a relationship with that person and have already spoken about how to address them respectfully.
This goes the other way too. If someone is new on the scene and demands that random strangers call them 'Ma'am' or 'Sir' or whatever, you can tell them no. They can't involve you in their protocol without your consent and that's a serious faux-pas.
Generally, kinksters don't have a formal etiquette when they meet. We're a varied bunch. Some of us are just fetishists, some of us play on the weekends, some of us live it 24/7, some of us are into D/s, some of us are no holds barred SM players. The only rule that I would say exists (or should exist) for the 'lifestyle' or community, is the rule of respect. You do not involve people in play without consent, even if it's as simple as asking someone to call you 'sir' or calling someone 'sir' without asking.
I will update more as more comics are made.
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