Problem was, they started expecting it, to the exclusion of me. Normally, it's perfectly reasonable to just ask the top in a relationship, but we're also married. You wouldn't just be in front of one partner and be saying to the other, "Hey, so we're still going to fuck on Saturday?" without knowing how the other one feels about that. Just because something has happened once, do not assume that it will happen all the time. When I am not getting as much play as I would like, why would I want some outsider getting play from my wife?
I talked to Illixim about this and she was totally cool with it. We tried telling people that they had to talk to me first, but they all just did this really passive-aggressive asking her in front of me. Um, sorry. That's not asking me. That's discussing it with her in front of me, and making me feel like the bad guy for not letting you play with my dominant. Boo hoo. Get your fucking own.
It's one of those situations where there isn't really one person or incident that you can point to and go, "Ah ha, that was it!" It was just a bunch of little things, any one of them being petty, but taken together it was too much. So, she's not playing with anyone but me for a while, and hopefully they'll figure out that she's not just a prodomme or something, that they can just use to get their rocks off (and not even pay!).
I felt kind of shitty doing this, because I want people to play and have fun, and I really don't want to be the bad guy. At the same time, I was finding the whole situation extremely irritating and I don't like feeling that way.
I'm just getting really jaded about the whole 'community' here. And again, there's really not one person or situation I can point to and say, "If they were gone..." or "If this were to not happen..." It's just the whole scene. More and more I just want to say 'fuck off' and just play with Illixim. I hope I'll feel better after our vacation :)
I just read Illixim's piece about this topic and had a few things to add. Firstly, she's exactly right: if someone were to approach both of us or just her respectfully and say, "You know, if you're going to be at the next play party and you're free, I'd really like to play, if that's alright" or "Could we have coffee and talk about playing sometime". But it's the expectation, the pressure, the "Well, you're the head of this group, it's your duty to accommodate us" attitude. Well, no, it's not. We host munches. We put on parties. We are not here to entertain you or hold your hands or make sure you play. That's up to you. If you can't be fucking grown up enough to figure out that much, what the hell business do you think you have in BDSM? Be mature enough to take no for an answer, to realize that yes, Illixim is the dominant but we are also in a committed relationship. At least respect us both to ask what our rules and boundaries are. And that's what it is: a lack of respect. A lack of common sense and a lack of stopping to think. They don't respect her because they don't care about her. They're just playing with her to get played with, which I find very demeaning. They show me even less respect because they don't want anything from me.
Or what would be even better, "Hey, I realize that your wife comes first, but would you be willing to do a scene with me/talk about playing?" Or...well, pretty much anything than what has been happening, what Illixim said, "So, next play party...*blinkblink*"