So! I've been wanting to write one of these for a long time. Because I am female bodied and identify as a sadist, or a dominant on certain sites that don't allow you to choose sadist, I have received a LOT of messages from submissive men looking for a dominant. They ignored the fact that I listed myself as gay, married, not looking, etc. And most of them made these mistakes.
If you've been finding it very difficult to keep messages going back and forth with a female dominant or have been getting a lot of rejections, these suggestions might help.
Keep in mind that I'm a queer sadist, not a female dominant. Also keep in mind that I have a few dominant female friends and we rant about messages together.
Here it goes!
Art from
Nifty.
How not to approach a dominant woman:
Do not start by saying 'I am not worth your time'.
If you tell someone you're not worth their time, they might not bother trying to prove you wrong. They'll probably just ignore you. This isn't a sign of submission, this is a sign of you thinking yourself worthless. There is a difference between humility and having no self-esteem.
Do not use a title.
Calling someone Mistress, Lady, Ma'am, Miss, etc, should wait until you're in an established relationship. If you feel the need to call them by some sort of title, why not ask and find out if that's okay with them? Otherwise you're involving them in your kink without their consent. And if it is okay, what title do they prefer? I know I get much grumpier if people call me Mistress than if people call me Sir.
Do not say 'I am a dominant, but I'd submit to you'.
This is not flattering. I've met and heard from lots of men who have done this. It just makes me sad that they can't admit that they like to switch from time to time. There is nothing wrong with submitting and there is nothing wrong with wanting to submit to people you're attracted to, but calling yourself a dominant and turning around and begging a woman to be your mistress gets old fast.
Do not start by saying 'I know I am not what you're looking for'.
This falls under my first point. She'll probably believe you and not waste any more time on you.
Do not say 'I am VERY submissive'.
Just saying that you're submissive will do. She'll figure out your limits as they fit with hers if she has an interest.
Do not make comments on her physical appearance.
I'd make an exception for something like 'I really enjoyed your photos'. But I've gotten a lot of 'wow, so you don't shave down there?' and 'I like your tits'. Instant dislike. Just keep it respectful if you feel the need to say it.
Do not give her a grocery list of your fetishes and turn ons.
This is not what anyone wants right off the bat unless they are just looking for a quick night of fun. If you want her to be your dominant and to have a relationship with you, try talking about yourself as a whole. Telling her about your kinks is part of that, but be a whole person. Tell her about your hobbies, your pets, your interests. I've had better conversations with male submissives about the kind of farms we've worked on and what sort of food we like than I have with any boy that gives me a list of things he wants me to do to him. It's impersonal and not most people's cup of tea. If she wants a list of your kinks, she can always ask.
Do NOT start with 'Would you do this to me?'
Wait until she's agreed to play with you at all! Wait until she knows a bit about you! I can't even express how many times I've gotten this and above all things, it drives me crazy.
Do not start with 'May I please have the honour to chat with you/serve you?'
This sort of protocol is reserved for people you're already playing with. This isn't showing submission. This is trying to play with someone who hasn't consented or even really met you yet. Talk to her like you would anyone else. 'Hey, interested in chatting sometime?'
Do not say 'I am looking for (whatever) with a dominant woman.'
We know you're looking for a dominant woman. The way you say it makes women feel like you don't care who it is, that it could be ANY dominant woman. Which most people find insulting. If you don't see what's wrong with that, I can't help you. However, if you understand what I'm getting at, consider saying something like this instead; 'I am hoping for (whatever) with someone as (interesting, creative, sadistic, etc) as you.'
Do not continue messaging someone who has not responded.
Give them at least a few weeks. Then, if you're still pining, send a reminder. Something simple like 'Hey, just seeing if you got my message, still hoping to chat'. Do not beg, do not whine. Just try to initiate a conversation. If she doesn't respond, either she's not interested or she has some other reason to not respond. Leave it at that and move on. And one more thing, don't make your last message 'Oh, I guess you're not interested...'. It makes you sound like a kicked puppy.
Do not tell her you have no limits/will do anything for her.
Everyone into kink and bdsm (and everyone in general) has limits. If you want to include your limits, maybe start with the basics. 'I am interested in edge play, however my limits are consent, children, animals, permanent scars, scat, whatever.' If she is a responsible dominant, she'll much prefer that you told her your limits than told her 'I'll do anything!' People who say that to me online always appear in my head as the foaming mouth guy from Avatar.
Does this look like someone you would want to dominate?
If you think it might make her uncomfortable, don't say it.
The basics are:
-read profiles before you message people
-write your message a few times if you need to to get it right
-be polite, not subservient
-do not involve her in your fantasies without asking permission (IE; calling her Mistress)
-act like a whole person and be yourself
Dominant women are still just women. They want to know you as a person. Most of them have to like you as a person in order to want to dominate you. Show them what a wonderful person you are and offer them something no one else can; you!
Good luck on your search.
M
